Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

If you are anxious, you find that you’re getting treated worse instead of better once you become the person closest to the avoidant partner. We’ll explore this further in the next chapter.

You develop the eerie sense that the relationship is not right for you, but you feel too emotionally connected to the other person to leave.

When they feel hurt, they talk, think, and act in an extreme manner, even to the point of threatening to leave (protest behavior). However, once they calm down, they become flooded with positive memories and are then overcome with regret. They reach out to their partner in an attempt to reconcile. But they are often met with a hostile response, because avoidants react differently to a fight. They turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the worst of their partner.

Of all the people in the world, she was the one closest to him, and yet he treated her the worst. How could he be so nice toward everyone else and so mean to her?

If you’re the enemy, it’s time to go.