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“We aren’t into bras?” “We? I personally don’t love wearing one with my pajamas, but you do you.” I hold my hands up in surrender. “Judgment free zone.”
“Ever hear the phrase ‘she’s not like other girls’?” He gives a small nod of his head. “Yeah, that’s not me. I’m just like every other chick. As basic as they come. I had an Uggs phase. I had a skinny jeans phase. I like my books with romance, my coffee with more creamer than caffeine, and I even take aesthetic pictures of my food anytime I’m at a restaurant.”
“I love flowers. I could get you some. Or a plant. Maybe you’ll feel more masculine with a plant. Something that will thrive in the bitter coldness of your personality.”
“You should never have to beg someone to be ready for a future,”
I thought these were my people. I thought I was going to raise my future children with these women, and now it feels as if I’m the one left out.
“Do you want me to get on my knees and beg or something?” “Now that you say it.” She cocks her head to the side, eyes roaming my length. “I wouldn’t mind knowing what you look like on your knees, Shay.”
“Do you know how to growl?” “What?” “Yeah, I don’t really know what that’s supposed to sound like, but every one of my book boyfriends is big into growling. Oh! And can you darken your eyes?” “Darken my eyes?” “Yeah. When you pretend to get angry or act really turned on, can you darken your eyes?” “No, I can’t fucking darken my eyes. What the hell are you reading?”
When you’re with me, I want you exactly as you are. That includes letting people know just how fucking smart you are. You’re not going to cater to anyone’s toxic masculinity bullshit. You’re not going to be quiet and appeasing when you’re with me.
He needs to stop. He can’t be demanding and caring in the sexiest way while he’s wearing that suit. He should know by now that I’m a romantic and I’ll end up kissing him for it or something stupid like that.
I want her here. I want her to want to be here. Fuck, when did that happen?
“Ryan, my guy, you’re so completely fucked, and you can’t even see it.”
Indy leaves a symbolic trail of breadcrumbs behind her in the form of open cabinet doors and unnecessary lights on whenever she exits a room.
“It feels disloyal, as ridiculous as that sounds, but that’s how long I loved him for. I never imagined loving someone else. But at the same time, if I’m being honest, when I think about the time we had, the overall feeling I come away with is that he made me feel like I wasn’t enough yet too much all at the same time.”
Indy would never question how magnetic, how distracting she is if she saw herself the way everyone in her orbit sees her. The way I see her.
“Do you think I’m a trainwreck, Ryan?” I huff a laugh. “You’re more like a cute little fender bender.”
Indy is not the type of woman you can simply flush from your system after a single night. She’s the kind to seep into your veins and rewire your brain, making you do and say things you swore you never would.
He’s getting good at this fake boyfriend thing, and if I don’t keep reminding my romantic heart of exactly what this is, I’m going to be in trouble.
I like that people believe she’s mine. I like how it feels to have her in my bed.
“You’re chaotic as fuck, Blue, but you bring me more peace than anyone else.”
“Yeah, because you’re not caring and protective and sweet at all. You’re just a selfish basketball player who only thinks about himself and his career.” Her voice carries a sarcastic tone, but she’s not far off. That’s who I am. “And you’re probably mentally agreeing with me, but you’re wrong. One day, you’ll see it.”
Yes, I want to sleep with him, but I also want to have breakfast with him every morning. I want to sit on the couch and read with him. I want to spend my days off work holed up in that apartment. I’m not sure those are rebound feelings, but I might need a rebound to figure it out.
I knew I’d like it. I knew it would be good, but what I didn’t expect was to feel light as a feather from my fingers to my toes. To fall completely under a spell just from feeling his mouth, especially when he told me I’d never have it.
Call it even? He just gave me the best kiss of my life and it was to settle a score?
“So, you don’t think I’m pretty, then.” He chuckles. “Indy, I’m not blind, but even if I were, I’m pretty sure I could touch your face and understand just how fucking stunning you are, but it’s not the first thing I see anymore.”
The girl deserves to be spoiled, and I want to be the one doing the spoiling.
I’ve never been kissed like this. Desperately. Longingly. As if he’s needed to do this since the day I walked into the apartment in the same way I have.
She thinks she’s broken. Broken. As if her ex-boyfriend wasn’t already the first name on my shit list, the fact that he made this woman think she’s anything less than perfection personified has me close to seeking him out and destroying his life by any means possible.
The most confusing part of tonight is wondering how much of this is fictitious. Sure, we agreed to act as if we’re together in order to get some practice in, but why does everything feel so authentic?
“All this time I thought you didn’t believe in love.” “I believe in love, but I’m a realist. You could love someone with your entire being, but it doesn’t guarantee they’ll love you in return. It’s a gamble, and I don’t like to make bets I might lose.”
I’m not sure how anyone who was given the opportunity to know this man, to be loved by this man, wouldn’t love him in return.
I see the toll the sky-high expectations take on him. He might still love the game, but the pressure to be perfect weighs on him, stealing a bit more of him every day. He’s confined to the walls of the apartment unless he’s prepared to be scrutinized and idolized at the same time. He lives in a million-dollar prison on the twenty-second floor. I can’t imagine he wished for that part of his career.
Ryan peels off his jacket, tossing it on the back of a nearby chair before rolling up the sleeves of his white button-down shirt. It’s decided at that moment, with the veins running down his forearms and the watch on his wrist, that it’s just about the sexiest thing a man can do.
“Nah. No need to be jealous when I know what’s mine. I’m the one you’re going home with.” As if every last feminist bone has left my body, I melt into him.
“Do you have any pickup lines?” I quietly ask Ryan for no one else to hear. He shakes his head. “Nah. I’d rather pin you down than pick you up.” My mouth gapes because that wasn’t cheesy at all. Not with the confidence in which he delivered it. Holy hell.
Ryan doesn’t make me feel like a burden. He doesn’t make me feel like I’m too much. I’ve offered him absolutely nothing other than exactly who I am, and he’s embraced every part of me, good and bad.
I think I’d like to give the real me to Ryan if he wants it. I think he’d treat my heart with kindness.
“I don’t want you to see me like this.” “Like what?” I gently grasp his chin, making him meet my eyes. Tears well at the base of his lashes, but they don’t drop. “Like what?” I press. “Human?” “I’m not allowed to be human.” Those tears fall, but I quickly wipe them away with my thumbs before he freaks himself out too much when he feels them on his cheeks. “I’m not allowed to mess up. I’m not allowed to step out of line. I’m not allowed to get injured and take a month off. I’m not allowed to turn it all back on. The amount of pressure on me,”—he sucks in a sharp, shaky breath—“feels
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She’s overwhelmed me, walking into my life with her chaos and kindness and between realizing how much I want her and almost losing everything today, I’m wrecked. Emotionally undone.
“Are you just pretending?” He pulls away, laughing deep and full. “I stopped pretending a long time ago, Ind.”
“I…I don’t want this if I’m just a convenience. You know, because I live here.” Call me insecure, but I spent far too long in a relationship that was convenient and comfortable, and I refuse to do it again. Eyes searching, they soften as he watches me. “I mean this in the nicest way possible, but Blue, you’re the most inconvenient thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I’ve never been seen the way Ryan sees me. I’ve never been appreciated the way his eyes worship me. I’ve never been encouraged to be myself the way Ryan praises me to be.
“All I can think about is seeing you smile and trying to be the reason you are.”
You’ve been like a flash of lightning straight to my heart and I’ve been done for ever since. It was confusing.”
“I like you controlled for everyone else, but I want you unhinged for me.”
At some point, I should probably tell her that my love language is whichever one she wants it to be so she can stop guessing. I’ll make sure that girl feels loved however she needs.
It no longer matters if I’m in a room full of people. If Ryan isn’t around, I’m lonely.
“Sometimes the quietest love is the loudest,”
Maybe words of affirmation are his love language. Maybe it’s quality time. I’m not sure, but I’m going to become fluent in them all until Ryan understands just how much I love him. How much I want him for his heart and not for his name. Though, one day, I wouldn’t mind taking that too.
She deserves to be loved loudly. She deserves to be loved in any way she wants.
“I want you, Indy. I want us. I want our little life we’ve built even when we thought we were pretending. I want you in our house because you’ve made it a home. I want your mess and your chaos. I want your genuine smiles, the ones you wear when you’re around my sister, the hockey team, and me. I want you happy, and I want to be the reason you are. I want you to choose me.” “Ry—” “I understand what I’m competing against. I know I don’t have your history, but I want your future.” “Ryan—” “You deserve the grand gestures, the big moments. I’m not great at making a show. I don’t like the
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