Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken

by Henry Cloud

trust as a noun this way: “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.”

Cambridge Dictionary defines trust as a verb: “to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable.”

Proverbs 22:3: “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences” (NLT).

While trust often begins with a feeling, it can’t only be based on a feeling, an emotion, or some kind of sense. It has to be rooted in more solid, observable, essential qualities.

Trust is the fuel for all of life.

Trust builds bonds, deepens them, and can call forth our greatest faithfulness.

Trust followed by satisfaction builds more trust.

Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (NIV).

“You made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast” (Ps. 22:9 NIV).

Placing our trust in other human beings makes every system develop.

But in some situations—when the upper brain is not being used, for example, people who form quick sexual alliances—the bonding chemicals kick in quickly with unconscious patterning and attract them to undesirable, untrustworthy people.

Trust is the confidence that someone will guard what is important to you, what you need, possess, or desire. Whatever your interests are, someone you trust will safeguard the interests you entrust to them.

Even if that person is ethical, you need more than ethics from someone you trust.

Trust is much easier to build, enter into, avoid, or repair if we know what to look for.

You can trust someone when you feel your needs are understood, felt, and cared about.

You can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you, not just for themselves.

You can trust someone when you feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted to them.

You can trust someone who has the character or personal makeup needed for what you entrust them with.

You can trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways you need them to perform.

Leading someone to trust you does not begin with convincing them that you are right.

We can never act in ways that cause someone to trust us if we do not understand what they feel, think, need, desire, and fear.

One who gives an answer before he hears, it is foolishness and shame to him. —Proverbs 18:13 NASB

When we fail to understand someone at a deep level, we unknowingly communicate that we are only interested in ourselves.

Thus, real trust is built not only through understanding but making sure the other party’s motive is right, meaning that they are for your good.

“He’s in it for the right reasons.” “Her motives are pure.” “She cares about me.” “He cares about me more than he cares about himself.” “He never thinks about himself. He thinks of others.” “With her, it’s always about the mission or the cause.” “She would do anything for the kids.”

“He never thinks about his career or position. He thinks about the company and the employees first.” And many others.

Real trust is built not only through understanding but making sure the other party’s motive is right, meaning that they are for your good.

Real trust transcends “moral codes,” or “duty codes,” in a powerful way.

When the motive is to benefit others and not just ourselves, everyone profits.

One of the most powerful drivers of trust is knowing that someone’s motive is rooted in a higher calling principle or value that transcends their own interests.

The takeaway here is that trust increases when we know that someone’s motive is not just about themselves but about us or about a higher purpose that we value as well.

Someone falls “in love” with a great, honest, fun person. After a period of dating bliss, they hit the “trust button” and enter into marriage. But marriage takes more than love, honesty, and fun. There are some very important “abilities” required to make it work. Does this person have the ability to communicate, to resolve conflict, to be resilient under stress, to be a good mother or father to your future children, and to be financially responsible? How many marriages have you seen struggle or fail because these “abilities” were absent? Yet people frequently entrust their entire lives to people who don’t have the ability to be a good spouse, wrongly thinking they will be able to deliver on the marriage contract.

Note to self: You can really like someone, and trust them in many ways, yet not be able to trust them in specific ways that are important. And it is okay to say no and not move forward in that arena.

I’ll say it again: the fact that someone is a good person does not mean you can trust them to perform in all arenas.

“All I have is not mine anyway. It belongs to God. I am just a steward for my lifetime. And part of my being a good steward is to pick the next steward or stewards well. So, my kids have been told that they will be evaluated as to how they use money as I get older, and I will pass it on to the next steward or stewards, the one or ones who show themselves to have good ability to use money well.”

bridges or tell everyone that they are disqualified for life just because they don’t have the capacity for something specific today. People grow, and they may have the ability you need tomorrow. That “wannabe fiancé” asking for your daughter’s hand could grow suitable with the right steps.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith virtue; and to virtue, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities and continue to grow in them, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever lacks these traits is nearsighted to the point of blindness, having forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. —2 Peter 1:5-9 BSB

Virtue is a quality of someone who seeks goodness and has high moral character—the way we usually think of character.

knowledge means applied wisdom. A person who has knowledge has the experience to apply themselves and their knowledge well to real life.

What good does it do to try to trust someone who is impulsive, or angry, or lacks self-control in an area, no matter how smart they are? If people cannot control themselves, we cannot trust them to act well or wisely.

Harvard Business School research showed that EQ counts for twice as much as people’s intelligence and other professional skills in terms of how successful they become.4

EQ deals with domains such as self-awareness, relationship management, self-management, and social awareness.

We need to be able to trust that someone’s makeup and character can deliver on what we have entrusted to them.

Trust fueled life-saving results, but that trust could only exist where the personalities involved could build it.

‘Pain is temporary. So ignore it and focus.’ Press on, be strong, no paying attention to minor inconveniences that might derail you, such as bone-searing pain.”

We can accept and value a person in the midst of what they do not do well.

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered” (Prov. 22:24 NIV).

People who respect other people’s boundaries are the types of individuals that are trustworthy, while those who invade people’s spaces and try to dictate others’ choices are not.

Irresponsibility: As Proverbs says, to depend on an irresponsible person is a nightmare: “Like vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes, so is the slacker to those who send him” (Prov. 10:26 BSB). You depend on them, and then they drop the ball.

“Character that can be trusted for specific situations” is closer to what the word integrity really means.