The Color of Water

by James McBride

Dennis was the one who shook me out of it. He kept saying. “You’ve got to forgive yourself, Ruth. God forgives you. He’ll forgive the most dreaded sin, the most dreaded sin.” But I couldn’t listen, not for a long while, I couldn’t listen. I was so so sorry, deep in my heart I was sorry, but all your “sorrys” are gone when a person dies. She was gone. Gone. That’s why you have to say all your “sorrys” and “I love yous” while a person is living, because tomorrow isn’t promised. Lord, I was burning with hurt. I hung on to Mameh’s passport and carried it everywhere. I didn’t think she was dying when I left home, but she knew it. That’s why she gave me that passport. I’ve always held that to this day, that guilt, that I left Mameh, because all her life I was the one who translated for her and helped her around. I was her eyes and ears in America, and when I left…well, Sam had gone, and Bubeh had died, and her husband treated her so bad and divorced her, and her reasons for living just slipped away.