Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

You can’t make or even help an abusive man change. All you can do is create the context for change, and the rest is up to him. You are the best judge of whether or not he is truly developing respect for you and for your rights. Don’t put anyone else’s opinions ahead of your own. Change in an abusive man is not vague; it is highly specific. Use the information in this chapter to measure for yourself whether he is getting down to the real work of change or whether he is trying to fly by with the usual nods and winks. An abusive man won’t change by “working on his anger,” unless he also does the more difficult work of changing his entitled attitudes. Make your own recovery, and that of your children, your top priority. Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can’t eradicate it by lopping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man’s attitudes and beliefs regarding partner relationships.