Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

Be very clear about what kind of contact you want to have with your partner during the separation, if any. It is generally best to have none at all. If you keep talking to him or seeing him from time to time, you will find it much harder to keep your own thinking clear, because you will tend to miss him even more intensely, feel sorry for him, and get drawn in by his promises and his charm. Occasional contact is bad for him, too, not just for you; it feeds his denial of his problem, encouraging him to assume that he can use his usual manipulations to avoid dealing with himself. If you feel that you do want to permit some contact, consider the specifics. Can he call you, or do you want to be the only one to initiate contact? Can he send letters? If you are going to see each other in person, where, when, and how often?