You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

by Richard C. Schwartz

Many writers have blamed the unrealistic expectations our culture heaps on marriage as a significant reason for its high rate of collapse.

In this society, we leave our parents and our children leave us; the only person who is supposed to be with us forever is our partner.

Too often our partner becomes a life preserver, keeping our head above water in the dark sea of pain, shame, and fear in which we float. No wonder we feel so threatened and jealous if it looks as though our partner might leave us.

“America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy.”

Although they don’t keep us afloat for long, these addictive distractions can prevent us from jettisoning intimate relationships by numbing the disappointment we feel when the relationships lose their buoyancy. Or they can opiate our pain when we’re between periods of intimate contact. We become convinced that happiness is as close as the next new pair of shoes, a weekend getaway, or a new job.

Imagine how having such a scared and raw basement child, who thinks of love as engulfing or perilous, would impact your ability to be intimate with someone. Unlovability and Survival Terror In addition to having fears about love, most exiles also believe they are worthless or unlovable.

but also an intense drive to be redeemed—to have the caretaker who originally gave you the message that you are unlovable change their mind and tell you that they do indeed value you. This drive for redemption will be a major factor in your choice of mate because you will seek someone who looks, sounds, or acts like the original redeemer. You will be strongly drawn to someone who has certain similarities to one of your parents, if that person was the original redeemer.