Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids

by Kim John Payne

Once we recognize the signs, and simplify accordingly, we can support a child as they make their way through an emotional process that—like a fever—has usually already begun. Your support doesn’t “fix” anything, it just provides a loving container for them to process the things that are bothering them. With warmth you can help keep their emotions, their sense of options, and their behavior pliable.

If we respond to our children’s soul fevers by simplifying, chances are we won’t get lost in the hyperparenting jungle. The emphasis is not on us, not on parental heroics or histrionics, not on micromanaging our children’s lives and every emotion. The emphasis is on creating a calming, supportive atmosphere so that they can get through what they need to get through.

Even more noticeably than after a physical bug, children emerge from a soul fever stronger, with greater resiliency.

Steve Biddulph (author of Raising Boys) doesn’t equivocate. He says, “If either parent spends more than ten hours a day at work, including travel, then their child will suffer. Fifteen hours a day almost guarantees damage. Emotional problems, addictions, suicidality, depression, poor school performance all are increased by parental absence through the workplace demands made on us. Children are especially vulnerable to the absence of the same-sex parent as themselves. Boys to dads, and girls to mums, although the opposite-sex parent is obviously also important. To have emotionally healthy children in today’s America means making strong choices in the face of the consumerist economy.”

heroic consistency. Heroic. Consistent. Simple. Lifelong. Love.

Imagine how secure your child will feel knowing that … when something is really “up,” when they don’t feel right, you will notice and respond. when they are overwhelmed—physically or emotionally—normal routines will be suspended. when their well-being is threatened, they will be brought close, be watched, and be cared for. when they are not well, they will be afforded the time and ease to recover their equilibrium. your love will accommodate, and look beyond, their less-than-best selves. they are deeply known and instinctively cared for.

Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another. In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out trip to Disneyland but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: the family dinners, nature walks, reading together at bedtime (with a hot water bottle at our feet on winter evenings), Saturday morning pancakes.

A rhythmic home life has a pattern and a flow. Its cadences are recognizable, and knowable, even to the youngest members of the family. Because the primary patterns—daily, weekly—are so well established, life’s other sequences—seasonal, annual—fit smoothly over well-worn grooves.

tempo of a rhythmic daily life, as described by a child, would sound something like this: “This is what we do on school day mornings …” “Before we leave the house we …” “When I get home from school, I …” “When my mom or dad starts dinner, I …” “Before bed on winter evenings, we love to …” “The thing I love about Saturday mornings is …” “When one of us is sick, we always …” “The special thing we do when someone’s birthday is coming up is...

Justin’s parents and I worked on ways to increase predictability and transparency in his daily life. Predictability is understandable. By transparency I mean that we, as adults, have an understanding of how our day may proceed. No matter how hectic it promises to be, we can picture how it might play out. Children need some level of that clarity. They may not be in control of their day, but they need some access to the “picture,” the understanding of how it might proceed.

So, while your child may not know the pattern of your days by their consistency and repetition (rhythm), you can provide markers and previews of their day, thereby letting them know what to expect (predictability).

You set the mood, and create an expectation for the day not only with what you say, but how you say it: a comfortable place, restful eye contact, an unhurried, relaxed approach. You don’t want to go over every single detail of what might happen every moment of the next day. You know the expression “too much information”? That applies here, as such an approach would surely increase your child’s anxiety rather than security.

If your children are older, approaching or in adolescence, family meetings can do what previewing does for younger kids. Sometimes tied to Sunday supper, the meetings take place with everyone hanging out for fifteen or twenty minutes beyond the cleanup of the meal. The previous week is reviewed: What worked? What didn’t work? What were those things we meant to tell one another, before we forgot?