Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids

by Kim John Payne

If the brain is not the originator, the absolute control tower of our personalities, feelings, and behavior, could the brain be part of a much larger system that includes the mind, body, and spirit? The brain plasticity research, and even our own pilot study into ADD, suggest that our minds...

As parents we know, without question, that who our children are is more than the sum of their genes or behavioral tendencies.

And so the genetic cards are dealt. Yet most any parent can relate to the mysterious, singular nature of each child, the thing we refer to when we say that, from birth, from the moment we first met our son or daughter, “they were who they were.”

Beyond our genetic gifts to them, beyond what they absorb from us and their environment, children seem to arrive with something of their very own, a telos, or intrinsic nature.

As a society, and sometimes as parents, look at how myopic we are becoming. If we focus exclusively on the chemical makeup of a child’s brain, we miss the larger contexts of who they are, and what influences them (their lives, families, their environments). If we focus exclusively on their tendencies, we miss the child; we can miss their destiny, or telos. By seeing only tendencies, syndromes, and labels, we risk not seeing our children’s intrinsic intent, their deep biographical gesture in the world.

Why simplify? Because by simplifying our children’s lives we can remove some of the stresses of too-much and too-fast that obstruct their focus and interfere with an emotional baseline of calm and security. A little grace is needed, after all, for them to develop into the people they’re meant to be, especially in a world that is constantly bombarding them (and us) with the distractions of so many things, so much information, speed, and urgency. These stresses distract from the focus or “task” of childhood: an emerging, developing sense of self.

Yet simplification is not just about taking things away. It is about making room, creating space in your life, your intentions, and your heart. With less physical and mental clutter, your attention expands, and your awareness deepens.

a simplification regime gave them a greater sense of ease and allowed them to see beyond what their children tended to do or not do, to who they were. We see it in flashes, of course—our children’s telos—but seeing it within the push and pull of everyday life takes patience.

with fewer distractions we can develop a wider perspective, the broader view of our own best parental instincts. This is the view that takes in your child, in their wholeness. It honors their pace, and their needs, their gift for soaking in their experiential “now.”

Why simplify? The primary reason is that it will provide your child with greater ease and well-being. Islands of being, in the mad torrent of constant doing. With fewer distractions their attention expands, their focus can deepen, and they have more mental and physical space to explore the world in the manner their destiny demands.

As a parent your attention will also expand with a little less mental clutter in your life. And your aware...

The most elemental and powerful reason to simplify is this: As your awareness of your children widens and deepens, so too will your love.

I’ve found that the simplest path to real and lasting change is through the imagination. “Nothing happens unless first a dream…” When you create a mental image of your hopes, you chart a course.

This deep, instinctual knowledge of our kids—like everything else—waxes and wanes. While our love may always be there, our attention can suffer; our connection can sometimes falter, and when this happens, understanding them can seem like a whole lot of work. Our instincts are not always strong. Simplification is about stripping away the distractions and clutter that monopolize our attention and threaten our connection. It’s about giving kids the ease to become themselves, and giving us the ease to pay attention. To more fully develop, and to trust, our instincts.

In the chapters ahead, we’ll begin the practical steps of simplifying, of peeling away the stresses and excesses that can overwhelm a child’s emotional well-being and short-circuit our instincts.

Often when I’m giving a talk about parenting today, a parent will ask, “How can I tell when my child is overwhelmed?” It is a common question, usually followed by “And what can I do about it?” As for the first question, my short answer is: instincts. Instincts that we may need to develop, or redevelop. Instincts that should be—and can be—as clear and reliable as those we count on to recognize and care for our children when they’re ill.

This book is my best attempt to answer “What can we do about it?” It’s a question that so many of us ask ourselves. The truth is, what we do, instinctually, to care for our children when they’re sick could be boiled down to this: we simplify. This is exactly what we need to do when they are overwhelmed; stretched thin and stressed out by the effects of having too much stuff, too many choices, and jumping through their days too fast.

The steps we take, and the attention we bring to caring for our children when they’re sick is, essentially, simplification.

We’ll look at the signs and symptoms of soul fevers as well, and go through the steps we can take to help our children build their emotional immune systems, their resiliency.

We can learn to recognize when their systems are out of balance. Remembering what we already know (and what it is so easy to forget when we are overloaded and overwhelmed), we’ll reawaken our caretaking instincts by simplifying.

In no arena—home, school, or friends—was she getting the counterbalance she needed. Nobody was helping her fill the middle ground, showing the value of warmth rather than anger’s pure heat. Nobody was modeling compromise, how to build or hold on to relationships. She was being allowed to revel in her own power and independence, repressing her need to belong.

The developmental purpose of adolescence’s polarities is a zig-zaggedy path toward self-regulation. We now know the brain is still developing during these years, particularly those sections that are critical for judgment and reason.

A safe and stable context allows teens to swing between polarities without getting stuck in one extreme or another. It gives them a center, a plumb line to u...

The first step then, toward taking care of our child’s soul fever, just as with a physical fever, is noticing it.

There are a couple of reasons why noticing a child’s soul fever can be difficult. Parents who are very busy and preoccupied, overloaded themselves, can miss the initial signs of a child’s unease.

when a child’s emotional distress is routinely ignored, they will usually, consciously or unconsciously, find other ways to solicit attention.

if a child can’t garner attention from their parents, then attention from someone else will do; and if they can’t attract compassionate attention, any form of attention can seem like a worthwhile substitute.

Once we’ve noticed that our child isn’t feeling well, what do we do? We stop our normal routines.

With emotional overload or soul fever, just as a physical fever, once noticed, it is time to stop normal routines. Children may resist this, but at times they seem to be almost pulling you to a stop with clingy behavior and an uncharacteristic avoidance of anything new.

Most children, no matter what their age, can reset their emotional clock given two or three quiet days. One restful, simplified weekend is usually enough to make the difference, to break a soul fever. It affords enough space and grace to loosen an emotional knot.

I’m not suggesting that a quiet weekend will directly address the issue. But it will help your child maintain the resiliency they need to address it.

a quiet weekend is not a cure-all. But I still contend that it can be one of the best medicines.

Our impulse as a parent may be to jump in and “make everything better,” which is impossible, and more clearly so as our children mature. But their success in facing and resolving issues depends on their ability to work through their emotions, to regulate their physical and emotional energy. That’s when a little retreat, a break in the normal routine, can really help.

“Something’s up; I’ve noticed. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to tell me what’s up, but I can tell something’s going on, something’s bothering you. In this family, we pull back, take some quiet time. Let’s figure out how we can do that for you.”

when your feelings are complicated (this could be a new definition of adolescence), it helps to know that if you do choose to open up, you’ll have the time to talk it out. You won’t have to try to explain the whole confusing mess on the way to swim practice or between dinner and your brother’s bedtime.

Sometimes a child who is “off their game” does not need pampering so much as a quiet assurance of our presence and availability. When we change the routine and quiet things down, we are placing an unspoken emphasis on relationship, connection.

nature is profoundly healing, physically and emotionally. Neurologically time in nature can bring a child out of the amygdala-based fight-or-flight response and into the higher functions of thought that are based in the limbic system (creative) and the frontal lobes (cognition).

There are complications to soul fevers as well as physical fevers, ramifications that we want to avoid. Little kids, under seven, will work themselves right into a storm of some sort unless or until their unease is acknowledged. Too young to regulate their emotions, they will act out until everyone, including the cat or dog, has felt the effects. As children get older they learn how to repress painful feelings … but not entirely, or for long. Especially in adolescence, unprocessed feelings can surface in all manner of seemingly unrelated ways: an extreme haircut, severed friendships, behavior issues at school.

By simplifying you offer your ch...

You also offer them a model, one that may be a lifesaver ...

This is the lesson they will take with them: A small period of downtime is a form of care, a way of being cared for. It’s true, you may be the one doing the caring now, and insisting on limitations that they may resist, but you are also beginning a pattern that they ...

Is it time to reach out to others for guidance or help?

“When your child seems to deserve affection least, that’s when they need it most.”

Their soul fever can easily prompt your own unless you take care of yourself, as you care for them.

Take at least a few minutes a day (longer or more often is better, but everyone can spare three minutes) to picture your child’s absolute golden self, their “good side.” This will give you the balance you need to look beyond the worst of a soul fever.

If you can’t put together enough lovely images to be your ballast in the storm, call their grandparents, godparents, or favorite aunt. Choose the ones who love your child to bits and tell them: “Look, this is your job as [fill in the familial relation]. Remind me of everything that is wonderful about Henry. And please … keep going until I say stop.”

please don’t forget to do it when you need to most. Take care of yourself while caring for your out-of-sorts child.

soul fever, like a virus, has its own life span, its own duration. We simplify not to try to control, bypass, or stop our child’s emotional upheaval.

Nobody gets to skip the soul fevers and growing pains of life. In order to learn who they are, and what feels right to them, a child must grapple with these emotional upsets. It’s all part of self-regulation.