Bookmarked

by Bella Jay

“Actually.” She leaned back from my attempt to grab her, and my body tensed. “What’s wrong?” I knew I hadn’t imagined the unsureness. “Nothing. I…” She blew air out her mouth. I didn’t like the look on her face. It was as if she was afraid to be honest. “Just say whatever it is, baby,” I encouraged her. She nibbled on her bottom lip before spitting out her truth. “I know what I said I wanted before we got here but tonight, I need you to stay on your side of the bed. I can already see you’re hard,” her eyes dropped to my dick, who apparently was a paid, supporting actor, “and I’m not— I can’t—” She stopped mid-sentence and took another breath. I could see her chest rise and fall through the moonlight that was shining in through the windows. “Juice, today has been a lot.” I sat up at her words, causing her to quickly spit out her next sentence. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s been great. It’s just also still a lot, and I was just sitting here, thinking that I don—” Holding up my hand, I motioned for her to stop. “Babe, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything else or explain yourself. I get it.”

“What’s another word for torture?” I asked Elora as soon as she answered her phone. “Something worse than that.” “Um, torment? But I think it’s like the same thing. Why?” “Because that’s exactly what I’m doing to myself by being on this trip with your brother.” Ellie let out a laugh. “Ma’am.” “Sorry for the TMI but,” I checked the tone of my voice because I’d die if Juice heard me, “I want to fuck him so bad.”

Anyway, did y’all come close? Kissed?” “No, because if I kiss him, I’m fucking him. It’s all or nothing.”

The only reason I’d survived him placing that sweet kiss on my lips at Hydes was because we were out in public. We had to put on a show for those watching, but in private, I would disrespectfully jump his bones.

“How do you have sex without strings attached when it’s someone you love? I just...” I sighed.

“You can’t. If we’re being honest here, sis, the question becomes, if you do it, will it be worth it? Not for all that closure bullshit but because you want to share yourself one — or many — final times with the man you love.”

“I got a way with my words. I know. But on a serious note, be prepared that when it’s all said and done, it’s gonna hurt like hell when you gotta detox him all over again.”

“Though I love you, and selfishly want you and Juice to stay together, your mental and emotional health comes first. So, my final question to you is, will having sex cause you to change your mind about what Brooklin wants and needs?”

“I don’t know, and that’s what makes it scary. I want to say no and that I’m steadfast in my decision, but I read too many damn romance books to act like the shit can’t backfire. And I honestly feel like I’m in a book right now.”

He was dressed in a hoodie and basketball shorts. A simple look that never seemed to fail at bringing my soul joy. There was something about seeing him in that look that always took me back to being nineteen-year-old me, working in the school’s library, never once expecting to fall madly in love with him. This was his signature ‘pop up on you at the library’ look back when he’d spend hours with me while I was working. He’d pass the time by either studying, helping me shelve books, or just aggravating me. Over a decade later, and those moments still lived within me. It was why this divorce was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life, and why the idea of having sex with him again scared the hell out of me.

Anxiety pricked the inner parts of my skin as I stood on my tippy toes, wrapped my arms around his neck, and pulled his lips to mine. Don’t fuck him, don’t fuck him, don’t fuck him…

Oh straight to it

Juice waved me off. “We don’t have to. I know I’m asking a lot of you by you being here and what I want our time together to be. Despite what I want and expect, your level of comfort comes first.”

“I don’t know if I’m making sense,” I continued, “but one minute, I’m mentally preparing for the-thing-that-must-not-be-named and the next, we’re here, vibing like we’ve never spent any time apart.

“Hell yes. I’m trying to be me, while still knowing I can’t just be me because — as much as I don’t like it — I don’t have certain privileges anymore. I gotta practice self-control and shit when your presence alone makes me want to lose control. Add everything I love about you to the mix, hell yeah, things been awkward and hard as fuck.”

He gave me firm eye contact as he said, “I ain’t gonna lie, you taking sex off the table caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting that, but I do respect it.” I pushed my lips out. “You lowkey tryna call me a freak?” “I ain’t have to say it. You just snitched on yourself.” He stared straight into my eyes like an evil villain out to ruin me and said, “That’s my good girl, though.” Oh, fuck me.

“Anddd,” I sang, “while we play, it’s question time for you.” I pulled my baggie of questions out from my pocket. “Since last night we spent all that time on yours.” “It’s your world, baby. I’ll even let you go first, since you’re gonna lose either way.” “Yeah, we’ll see if you talking all that mess when your magic wand swinging for the neighbors to see.” Juice cackled, “You’re corny as fuck. I love it, though.” I was sure the color in my cheeks were snitching on me.

“Nah, I had to make you sweat and knock you off your game. Besides, with the way you crossed your legs, I know I just made you wet. And that’s how I want you when you deliver me my kiss.”

“Shut up,” I quipped, pulling his lips to mine. My tongue pushed into his mouth, and I melted into the moment. Everything I ever felt for Juice seemed to swoop back in, as if not even an ounce of it had ever left. Months without his lips on mine like this and we didn’t miss a beat. His hands wrapped around my waist before he lifted me up and onto the table. I heard the checker pieces scattering as my legs hugged the outer side of his body while the kiss took me to another dimension. When he hooked his right arm around my lower back and drew me to him, my head, heart, and coochie became one. It was at that point, we all knew I was going to throw every single ounce of caution to the wind. The trip was already a risk. I might as well go all in — double or nothing.

My lips attacked her neck. I licked, sucked, and nibbled on the areas I knew would have her creaming all over my fingers. “Oh shit, Juice,” she hummed, causing the pressure in my dick to continue to build. “I bet you’re so fucking wet, baby,” I whispered against her ear. She let out a gasp before pulling my lips back to hers and then saying against them, “How about you check and let me know if I’m as wet as you want me to be.”

“You want me to stop?” I asked her, stroking myself as she regained her composure. Her chest heaved as she eye fucked me, but no words left her mouth. “You’re gonna have to tell me to keep going if you don’t want me to stop, Books baby,” I said, planting a kiss on her neck as my hands brushed against her thighs. “Keep going.”

When my tongue slid into her opening, she bucked against my face, and I held her tighter. “Cum in my mouth, baby,” I managed to say between licks. “I fucking love eating this pussy.” “And I love when you eat it,” she moaned.

She nodded and I continued my assault until a fifth orgasm ripped through her, and I came up for air.

The way my dick was pulsating, I felt like I needed to be inside of her within the next three minutes. If I wasn’t, my dick was gonna detach himself from me because he could no longer take this kind of physical abuse. I felt him. I was torturing myself, but the way I loved this woman made it worth it.

Deep down, though, I knew the truth. Our connection was way too deep for her to move on just like that. That wasn’t Books, and the way her pussy walls clenched to my soul, all the confirmation I needed was there. This pussy was very much still mine. She leaned back at an angle against the window, so that the top of her shoulders rested against it, as I moved in and out of her with intention. Each stroke meant to steal a piece of her soul in exchange for a piece of mine.

Flashbacks of our multiple sex sessions today flooded my mind. My coochie was still vibrating from him eating me out in every way possible and then trying to take me to glory with his demon dick. After our first round post breakfast, we ended up christening the kitchen when we were supposed to be cleaning up the mess from breakfast. And then there was the quickie against the arcade machine. Oh, and of course, the round in the shower before we left. I was tired, but not tired-tired, ‘cause I was still looking forward to another round tonight. If I was gonna go all in, I was gonna let him be all up in my guts as much as possible. Even if a small part of me was still screaming that this was not a good idea. However, a bigger part was saying this was the closure we both needed.

“Do I get a chocolate frog for waiting?” “And something else chocolate too,” he winked, “if you’re nice about it.” My favorite kind of chocolate bar. It was long — 9.3 inches to be exact. I’d measured it. Girthy.

I leaned over the arm rest and kissed my husband. The man I knew I’d love forever, yet needed to let go of — at least for now.

Books and I both didn’t see kids as part of our story. But we had agreed that we’d revisit it at our five-year wedding anniversary and see where we both stood.

I would be lying if I said I hadn’t wondered if knocking her up would have allowed us to avoid the path we were on, but truth be told, I still didn’t see kids as something we needed to complete us. But it would have still been a discussion for us to decide together, and I knew if Books wanted to pop out some kids for me, I wouldn’t have been against it.

“I thought that we would be together forever. An a you-know-what never even crossed my mind. Even when I started facing the facts about what I was truly dealing with when it came to my mental health, I thought I could still make things work but...” Another pause. More nibbling. Twisting of her mouth. “But,” she glanced at me and then quickly reverted to her spinning clay, “love just isn’t enough sometimes, you know?” I didn’t know.

“If it never crossed your mind, how come it was so easy for you?” Her body halted and though she continued applying the necessary pressure to the clay spinning in her hand, I knew I’d fucked up. “It wasn’t easy. This hasn’t been easy for me, Juice. Why would you think that?”

What I wanted to say made me feel selfish and like I wasn’t being the supportive best friend she needed me to be above anything else. But as her husband, a deep part of me still felt blindsided by all of this and it was something I pushed down because this divorce wasn’t about me.

“Why we gotta talk about this?” “Because it matters. If you think for a second, this divorce has been easy for me, I want to know why.” “Just drop it, Brooklin.” “I’m not because you clearly think that for a reason, which is fucked up.” I guess we were about to do this shit. Fuck it. “You the one who wanted it, why wouldn’t it be? You left me, remember? With a got damn letter!” The words flew out. The pain from finding that white envelope still struck a nerve. I thought I’d moved passed it after she’d explained why she needed a divorce, but I was lying to myself. I’d always been good at math and some shit still wasn’t adding up. If two plus two equaled four, how come one day we were good and the next she’d left me? And now we were here. How? “Add that to the fact that you’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t want shit from me, and you just want out! How else am I supposed to interpret this shit?” Her wanting a divorce completely caught me off guard. It had me rethinking everything and wondering how I’d missed all the signs that despite everything looking good on the outside, she wasn’t good on the inside.

I can’t take this

Truth be told, I was still racking my brain, looking for clues that I’d missed. I understood her why for needing a divorce, I really did, but I didn’t understand how this entire process had gone the way it had when we were us.

“Because of the fact that it’s not easy!” Her voice strained. “Because of the fact that it hurts every single day knowing that I’m letting go of one of the best things to ever happen to me. You.” That made my eyes lock in on her. Though I wanted — needed — to look away, I couldn’t. “Juice, I love you so fucking much, and yes this was my decision, but I thought we had an understanding of why I made that decision. Me choosing me, over you, is the hardest thing I’ve ever h...

Seeing her cry like this, pained me. I wanted to be mad at her, but I couldn’t hold on to that kind of energy when I saw the anguish in her eyes that matched the agony in my heart. I just wanted to love her through it. I dragged her into me. She buried her head into my chest, and I rested my chin on the top of her head. I felt the burn in my eyes before tears slowly trickled down my cheeks. Fuck. I thought we could somehow magically spend this trip avoiding the painful shit. Or better yet, avoiding the truth. We still had unresolved things that required the hard conversations to take place if we truly wanted to

walk away from each other as friends who still loved and supported one another. And I knew a big part of that was I had to stop acting like we could push the divorce under a rug and pretend it was just a little separation. It very well could be more than a little separation. I knew that. I wasn’t ready to face the shit. And I didn’t know if I ever would be. We stayed in our embrace for a few minutes before she pulled away, slapping my chest. “I hate that you made a thug cry.” That made me crack a smile as I used my thumb to dry the tears under her eyes. We both sucked at staying upset at one another for too long. “Thugs cry too. Even if you now look like a lil’ raccoon.”

My favorite pair to see her in. I didn’t know why them shits made my dick wanna do back flips inside her uterus, but they did.

“You’re so quiet.” “I’m focused.” …On not fucking cumming.

“Remember when I asked if you were good at untying knots?” She appeared back in front of me, lowering into a squat. “Well,” hands back on my hard dick, “if you can untie yourself before I make you cum, you’ll get to pick where you want to cum.” Fuck me.

“Mmmm,” she hummed, coming up for air. “I love the way you look when you’re about to cum in my hand.”

“Take this fucking shirt off,” I commanded, as her pace increased. “I want my cum all over your pretty ass stomach and dripping down to that juicy ass pussy.”

Yeah, that’s what happens when you let your soon-to-be ex-husband fuck you senseless for two hours with minimum breaks in between.

And I accepted each of my punishments with dignity, so I could get back in my Sir’s good graces.

“I’ma whore,” I said, laughing, and Ingrid let out a chuckle as well. “But this man is literally pulling all the stops. He’s recreating scenes from my favorite book.” Even though I gave up the goods before I even put that math together. “I know I probably shouldn’t, and this is just going to make shit that much harder but—”

He sat the snacks and water down within my reach before bending down and kissing me on the cheek. Then pecking my lips. Lastly, kissing me on my favorite spot, the top of my head. Obviously, outside of my coochie. Juice had been kissing me on the top of my head since we started dating. It was always cute, but there was a moment that it went from being cute to the most endearing thing ever.

Juice told me if someone tried me like that, he’d knock them into next week, kissed me on the top of my head, and reminded me that I was always the most beautiful fucking girl in the room. His exact words. From that day, it became one of my favorite ways for him to kiss on me.

His large hands rubbed up and down my biceps, pulling my awareness back to his presence, before settling them on top of my shoulders as he began to massage. “Damn,” I sighed in relief. “I’m tight.” “I—” “Don’t!” I chuckled, knowing he wouldn’t have let that one slide. “Dang, hater. I was just gonna say I can feel the knots.” “Mhmm.” “Just like I can feel the ribs of your pussy walls.” “See, nasty.” “I know you ain’t talking when you been in here for two hours, talking about niggas smashing and bae book friends.” “First of all, it’s book baes and book boyfriends. Please show my other men some respect.”

“I fight fictional men too. I’m not above it.” A shriek of giggles flew o...

I kissed my teeth and then smiled as my eyes rescanned the paper, asking if I remembered our first kiss and what was it like. “I can’t forget it because not only did it catch me off guard, I had literally been waiting for it that whole day.” “You tryna gas me up.” “I’m not,” I admitted. “I still recall how I felt after your graduation dinner when you asked me to spend the next day with you.” My cheeks flushed as I reminisced. “There was something about the way you asked me that sent my body into waves of anxiety. Basically, your body language was sending out ‘I want you’ signals at me.” Juice kissed his teeth. “I only wanted you a little bit. There were no damn body signals.”