Starter Villain

by John Scalzi

But then, no one ever needs a cat these days. That’s not why we have cats. We have cats because they amuse us and because otherwise our clothes would lack the texture only cat hair can provide. Besides, when a kitten walks up to you and makes demands, what are you going to do? Say no? I repeat: I am not a monster.

This is the part of the movie where people get ax-murdered, my brain said, unhelpfully.

My uncle’s brand of villainy did not extend to wanton use of plastics.

Hera, a cat, was taking a nap.

I was not drinking my guava juice at the moment, but I considered picking it up so I could choke on it again.

I was now eating as well as my cat.

It works great until they start believing that being rich makes them smart, and then they get in trouble.

WHEN YOU WEREN’T LOOKING I WOULD ORDER FROM GRUBHUB.

WORST-CASE SCENARIO IS I LOSE EVERYTHING AND I STILL GET FED AND HAVE A PLACE TO NAP.

Sometimes I’m not as kind as I could be, because they’re never as kind as they could be.

“I applaud your fiscal restraint,” Morrison said. “But you make a shit rich person.” “Maybe I’ll get better at it.” “Please don’t.”

“I acknowledge there were a lot of moving parts to this plan,” Dobrev said.