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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
J.L. Seegars
Read between
January 29 - February 1, 2024
For the last few years, school has been a source of calm consistency for me. A place where I decide the variables and control the outcome. And not only have I appreciated that control, I’ve craved it. I’ve used it to soothe old wounds and memories of a time when my ability to choose, to decide was ripped from my grasp.
Professors who take pleasure in scaring students away from their courses have no place in the classroom.
“Yes, Professor?” “Your obvious infatuation with Mr. Johnson brings me to my next point. Perhaps, I should thank your hormones for the smooth transition.”
that was uncalled for???
I can’t remember the last time I felt comfortable enough around anyone that wasn’t my top three to joke around like this. It feels nice.
“I’m still sorry though.” And I am because I know what it feels like to walk around with such an important person missing from your life. My dad died when Eric and I were babies, so I don’t remember anything about him. Never got to hear his voice or feel the comfort of his arms wrapped around me, holding me close and telling me that I’m safe. “Don’t be. It’s been a long time.” “What does that have to do with anything? She was still your mom, and I’m sure you still miss her, which means I’m allowed to be sorry.”
I’m not sure why I’m pushing this. I should have just accepted the out he gave me and moved on, but something about the way he dismissed his own grief, and minimized the impact the loss of his mom had on him, bothers me. His wooden tone, the hollow resolve in his words when he suggested that the length of time had anything to do with the compassion he deserves—like he was repeating someone else’s words instead of his own—none of it sits right with me. “Yeah,” he laughs softly, but the darkness is still there, in his eyes, and it makes my heart hurt for him. “I guess you’re right.” “I am.” I
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“And I’m sure you two could grow together again if you’d just try. Start today, send her a gift to let her know you appreciate her showing your sister how to be a woman of worth.
Ew
Pushing out a harsh breath, I look at Eric. “Mama didn’t really send you in here to harass me about a knife did she?” He grins, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Nah, Chris said you were acting a little weird ever since Tasha got here and said I should check on you.”
He turns his head, eyes scanning the floor for Sloane, probably making sure her and Nic aren’t somewhere bickering.
Hmmmm
Eric is quiet for a moment, but then his eyes soften and that fierce, big-brother-by-two-minutes protectiveness fades away. “If you say so.”
Theyre twins??
Medicine is in our blood, coded into our DNA just like the perfect amber shade of your eyes is written into yours.” My breath catches, shock coursing through me at him referring to any part of me as perfect.
Okay that was smooth
She’s an exquisite, perfect thing. With all her secrets and half-truths and anxious habits that make me want to make all her problems go away.
The thought sends another pang of jealousy through my chest, and this time it’s so sharp, so fucking painful, I have to take a moment to rub at the spot it seems to be radiating from.
Down bad
She turns to me quickly, her eyes pleading with me, asking me for things I won’t hesitate to give her, things I think I might have been born to give her.
“Right, so you might have to go look for your phone on your own….sorry I don’t think I caught your name.” “I didn’t give it.”
Hot
Like she needs it to get away from this guy, a grown-ass man wearing a high school letterman jacket at a college basketball game. I can’t believe he ever touched her.
“I don’t owe you anything, and just so we’re clear, you being a decent person doesn’t put you in a position to demand anything—but especially answers to questions I told you not to ask—from me.”
Shes not wrong
I hate myself for saying that she owes me something because she’s right, I’m not entitled to her secrets even though, for some reason I still can’t explain, I want them.
“You’re the one he’s determined to see wedded and bedded in the next few years, Chris. You tell me if him having a family heirloom upgraded to fit the finger of the woman he wants you to marry means anything to you.”
“I don’t know, man, but if you’ve got a secret girlfriend in your pocket, now would be the perfect time to pull her out.”
“I don’t have an issue with giving you my truths, Mallory. I’ll start right now with the most obvious one. Do you want to hear it?” I’m trapped in his gaze, drowning in soft and serious ochre eyes and trying to appear unaffected. “Sure.” “You look beautiful tonight.” My throat is dry, so the chuckle I force out is raspy. “Just tonight?” “No.” His eyes glow. “Not just tonight.”
“Every time I made a wish, I wished to be a princess. And I’m talking waking up the next day in a castle with a fine ass prince at my beck and call and tiaras and ball gowns for days.” “A princess? How original.” “Shut up!” I laugh, and my hand shoots out. Before I know it my splayed fingers are colliding with his chest. I snatch it back quickly. “Sorry.” He shrugs, still laughing. “No worries, Your Highness. All of your servants should be so lucky to find themselves swatted by your royal hand.” “Oh my God,” I groan. “You’re going to make me regret telling you that, aren’t you?” “Oh, most
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“It matters to me!” She hisses, her tiny hand slapping the table with a soft thump. “And it mattered to Trent. You destroyed him, Mal. After you cut him out of your life, he just stopped being him. He stopped going to class, started drinking all the time, lost his football scholarship and any chance of going to the NFL.
That sounds like a Trent problem to me
“….did you forget what it was like between you two, M? Cause I don’t think I’ll ever forget the time I woke up in the middle of the night and came downstairs to find you on your….” “That’s enough.”
Wtf ?? Who talks about their brother like this ???
And, despite all the lessons I’ve learned that suggest I shouldn’t, for the briefest of seconds, I trust him.
“Your brother is a grown-ass man who preyed on a girl that was your age. Excluding that disturbing fact, whatever happened or didn’t happen between them is none of your business and, as Mallory pointed out a few minutes ago, not at all relevant to anyone’s life here today, least of all yours. If your brother wants someone to blame for his life going down the shitter after their breakup, then tell him to look in a goddamn mirror because as far as I can tell, he’s the one who tried to destroy her, not the other way around.”
Period!
Tasha and Vaughn, who looks like he wishes he was coming with us instead of staying with his date,
HA
“This is why we stopped being friends when things ended. You love your brother, and I get that. I love my brother more than anything in this world, but the difference between you and me is that I know Eric isn’t perfect and I have never felt the need to fight his battles for him because he’s man enough to fight them on his own. Your entire family has always operated like the world revolves around Trent, and it’s no wonder he grew up to be an entitled asshole who doesn’t know how to take responsibility for anything, including the end of us.”
But instead, I return his mischievous smile, feeling carefree and adventurous and completely down for a ride with him. Especially if we’re going to a place that I’ll always—even in the years that he’s gone from my life, absent like the parents we both grew up without—think of as our spot. “Curly’s?” I ask, hopeful, excited, foolish.
We’re quite a pair, Mallory and I, both unavailable and seeking asylum from former connections in the safety of each other.
It’s like she’s writing herself into my very being.
“You know what! Answer my question, hussy!” “Hussy?” I scrunch my nose, fighting back a laugh. “How old are you again?”
Lol
“Oh my God, Mal!” She’s squealing now and clapping her hands together happily. “I knew it. Damn, I should have seen it before. The way he was acting at the game the other night, like he wanted to duel with me for the honor of running after you when you went to the lobby.” “What?” My question gets lost in the sound of her rambling. “God, it makes so much sense. You’ve both been acting weird ever since the kiss, and when y’all are in the same room it’s like he can’t take his eyes off of you.”
“You’re right, we did have a plan, but last night after I dropped you off I started thinking about things we didn’t cover in our discussion.” “Like what?” A vein in his temple starts to throb. “Like your ex being on campus regularly. We don’t know if he knows where you stay. There might come a time when you need somewhere to feel safe and you won’t be able to go to your brother or Nic or Sloane without having to tell them things you don’t want them to know. This can be that place.”
“What happens when you come home with one of your little fuck buddies and I’m here?” In an instant, his features cloud over. A swirl of dark, thunderous emotion moving over his face as he steps closer to me. “What?” “I said what happens when—” “No,” he cuts me off, a laugh escaping his lips that’s just as dark as the look on his face. “I heard exactly what you said, I’m just confused as to why you think I’d be bringing girls here, or anywhere, when we’re together.” “But we’re not,” I stumble over my words, caught off guard by the ferocity of his response. I pause, lower my voice to a whisper.
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AHH
“Shit.” I spin around and find myself face to face with Chris. “I don’t think I can do this.” “What?” He doesn’t look angry, not like Trent did that night when I was naked on his bed with him hovering above me, and I said I didn’t want to go any further. No, Chris looks worried, and not for himself, just for me.
“Rule number one,” he says, gazing heavenward for a thoughtful second then looking back at me. “Hold my hand.” “Now or just…?” “Whenever you want,” he clarifies, folding the laugh I know he wants to let out between his full lips. “What if you’re not in the mood for holding hands though?” That happened sometimes with Trent, but I guess it was just one of the perks of being in a secret relationship. “I’ll always be in the mood to hold your hand.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Nic watching them, his dark eyes swimming with something close to tortured jealousy.
I’m fucked. This plan felt like such a good idea when my mind was soaked in doubt and worry for Mallory and for myself. I wanted to protect her, to solve both of our problems in one fell swoop, but I think the only thing I’ve done is create another problem.
The last thing I want is for her to think I’m taking her ability to decide away from her.
“Got you some early morning brain food plus the coffee you requested.”
It’s also about him caring about whether or not I had a nightmare and getting out of bed early just to do something nice for me. Something that isn’t a part of our agreement and, as far as I can tell, doesn’t benefit it in any way. I mean it’s not like he snapped a photo of me walking out of the building with the plan to make a post about how he’s a good and supportive boyfriend making sure I’m well prepared for a study session. And he could have.
He’s too thoughtful to cover his own ass and leave mine hanging in the wind, and all I have to do is look at his actions this morning to support that fact. He left his bed to do something nice for me. To solve a problem I had inadvertently brought to his attention even though it had nothing to do with him or our arrangement. It was just a nice thing he wanted to do for me.
This is the exact kind of thing I should document and post online to show everyone that we’re so in love, but I selfishly want to keep it to myself. Something that’s just between the two of us.
I try to do it quickly and casually, snapping a few while she tosses her head back and her shoulders shake from the force of her amusement. I have no idea what Sloane is saying to her, but whatever it is I’m thankful for it, because it gives me the best pictures of her. Ones that aren’t for anyone but me.
“You think I need you to fight my battles.” It’s a statement that should be a question just like when Teresa told me I’ve always liked her. I was hesitant to admit it then, but looking at Mallory now, all stern features and steely determination, I can admit it to myself: I’ve always liked her, and now I like her even more. “No.” But I want you to let me, you’ve been fighting long enough.
In every single one, she looks like joy personified. The physical embodiment of radiant delight, and I know in an instant that I won’t be tagging her in any of these photos because I won’t be posting them at all.
Hunter Drake—a
“I don’t know. Maybe you don’t pay enough attention to me.” It was supposed to be a joke, but the way he looks at me, with a soft gaze that’s unfairly serious, suggests he took it as anything but. “No one gets as much of my attention as you do.” My mouth goes dry. “I was joking, Chris.”
“It was a bad joke, princess. Now stop deflecting and tell me why I’ve been walking around for weeks not knowing that my girlfriend could lay me out if she wanted to.” My girlfriend.
