I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

by Baek Se-hee

‘If you want to be happy, you mustn’t fear the following truths but confront them head-on: one, that we are always unhappy, and that our sadness, suffering and fear have good reasons for existing. Two, that there is no real way to separate these feelings completely from ourselves.’ – Une Parfaite Journée Parfaite by Martin Page

The contradictory state of longing for intimacy but also wanting to keep others at arm’s length is called the hedgehog’s dilemma.

Psychiatrist: There is no absolute good when it comes to relationships. And it’s perfectly healthy to have disagreements with friends and lovers from time to time. I just hope you learn to differentiate the parts from the whole. Just because you like one thing about a person, you don’t need to like everything about them. And just because you don’t like one thing about a person, it doesn’t mean the person as a whole isn’t worth your time. I think you should get in the habit of thinking differently.

You’ve backed yourself into a corner and made yourself choose between black or white. Whether to see a person or not, whether to be best friends with them or never speak to them again. You either lash out or endure. The only choices you have are yes and no, and there is no middle ground. I think with this friend, you thought you had a ‘special friendship’, which was why you tried to endure and continue. And you got exhausted at keeping up this ruse.

I keep telling myself that people are three-dimensional, but I keep thinking of them as flat – which is why when I look at some people, I judge them as being such-and-such, and then cut them out of my life.

I hope that people who keep ending their relationships because they feel like they’re being looked down on, people who tend to think in extremes like me, will read this. We are many-sided. That’s all. We can’t continue a relationship or end it because of just one thing. I understand this with my head, but my heart has more trouble recognising it. The unhappiness floats to the top like oil while the happiness sinks below. But the container that holds both is what we call life, and that’s where

I find solace and joy. I’m sad, but I’m alive, and living through it. That is my solace and my joy.

Akathisia refers to the inability to sit still. You find yourself standing or fidgeting or pacing – it’s an occasional side effect in people who take tranquillisers.

In Hong Seung-hee’s Suicide Diaries*, I read about her thoughts on free death. In the same way the Korean word for menopause should not be ‘menstrual shutdown’ but ‘menstrual completion’, she thought that the word ‘suicide’ should be replaced with ‘free death’, a linguistic idea that made an impression on me. There are so many words with highly negative meanings, textures and impressions: abortion, menopause, suicide and so on.

It’s impossible to fathom the sadness of those who are left behind, but if life gives one more suffering than death, shouldn’t we respect their right to end life? We are so bad at mourning in our society. Maybe it’s a failure of respect. Some call those who choose their own death sinners or failures or losers who give up. Is living until the end really a triumph in every case? As if there can be any true winning or losing in this game of life.

Psychiatrist: Do you cry a lot these days? Me: Last Monday when I went to get my medications I cried a lot, and cried yesterday – I guess about three times this week. Psychiatrist: I think what you’re describing is a bit different from regular depression. There’s a kind of ADHD that manifests in adults. The symptoms include feelings of emptiness, boredom

and a decrease in concentration. I’ll prescribe something for that as well.

It’s also why I usually don’t reveal what I studied at university, if I can help it. My older sister is the same way. Having studied singing at the Seoul Institute of the Arts, she is taken for granted if she delivers a good performance but heavily criticised if she happens to hit a sour note. She lives in constant fear of being judged harshly. Many people must feel this way. It’s why we can’t enjoy the things we chose to study because we loved them. It’s why some would rather find the nearest mouse hole to hide in than take the chance to develop their interests.

These memories made me think how the words ‘That person has changed’ are completely useless in some cases; it finally occurred to me that to expect someone to always be a certain way or consistently do a certain thing can be a huge burden on them.