Nick and Charlie

by Alice Oseman

I have been going out with Nick Nelson since I was fourteen. He likes rugby and Formula 1, animals (especially dogs), the Marvel universe, the sound felt-tips make on paper, rain, drawing on shoes, Disneyland, and minimalism. He also likes me.

Charlie had anorexia pretty badly the year we started going out. He had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a couple of months and it really helped, but I guess he still sort of has it. Stuff like that doesn’t go away very quickly.

Some things are nicer if they’re just for us.

As soon as he’s gone, my bed feels cold and empty again. It’s pretty dumb, really. I sleep alone most of the time.

“You can break up with me if you want,”

“Why are you saying these things, Charlie? If you’re trying to break up with me, just fucking spit it out.”

“It’s not going to be all right, it’s going to be crap for me. I’m going to be stuck in this shitty town all by myself, but here you are, talking about it like it’s the fucking best thing ever, and you know what? It makes me feel like shit. It’s like you’re looking forward to getting rid of me, like you can’t wait to finally get out of here and get away from me—”

“Why are you being like this?” “Mate, what the fuck am I being like?”

And that’s it. I walk out of the room.

my mind’s gone blank, I’m still processing what’s just happened. What has happened? Everything was fine yesterday. This can’t be the end. This can’t possibly be the end.

I cry myself to sleep.

What’s the point of a life without Nick?

If he wants to talk to me, he will. If he doesn’t, then I guess that’s it. That’s the end.

But I don’t think I’ll be okay. Ever. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay ever again.

“You’re … it’s hard to explain. It’s like, if you had to provide evidence for soul mates, everyone would pick you two.”

“If he thought you were trying to break up with him, he’s not going to start protesting against it. If he thought you didn’t love him anymore, he wouldn’t make it difficult for you. He’d just be heartbroken.”

“I don’t want to break up with you.”

I stare at the chocolate and feel that jolt of fear that I always get, but something, for some reason in that moment, makes me say, “Yeah, okay.”

The clouds turn pink and purple, the sky orange, and then everything is dark blue.

On the drive back, Charlie falls asleep in my car. I turn the radio on and thank the universe that my life is like this.

“I love you more than anyone, actually.”