The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

Congratulations, Crawler. You are now Carl, the level 47 Agent Provocateur.

Do you want me to build a booster chair for you?”

“Go fuck yourself, Carl,” Mordecai said.

“Okay, buddy. We gotta be quick. You are balls deep in the wrong hole, and mom is pulling into the driveway. You get me?”

We’re in a hurry, so we need to get past the first date finger bang jitters and move straight to the part where we argue about me smoking too much.

The moment anybody becomes a citizen, the Syndicate bends them over and fucks them. I can’t stop you from getting fucked. But I am the condom. You guys have condoms on your world? Of course you do. Everybody has condoms. Your ass is gonna hurt no matter what, but at least you won’t have tryptic genital mites after.”

The day I take a bribe from some pig-faced imperialist fuck is the day I wither.”

And how is that machine greased? The universe’s four lubricants. Blood, tears, taxes, and lawyers.”

Katia held my eyes. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t,” I lied.

Because Donut sounded like a helium-drunk cat being crushed by a steamroller when she attempted to sing, that was why. And even though she wasn’t that bad of a dancer, when it came to making a song emerge from that tone-deaf gullet of hers, her rhythm was that of a drunk, three-legged donkey trying to negotiate its way down a set of ice-covered stairs.

Reward: Your reward is advice. Fatherly advice. Don’t be a little bitch. There’s your reward.

New Achievement! The Hand that Claws the Master (x35) You have permanently killed a non-crawler biological. They ain’t just dead. They dead dead. Their children are now orphans. Their mothers are gnashing their teeth and cursing your name. And you’re just sitting there all alive and shit, and girlfriend, I am all in.

“See, now that wasn’t so hard. Now both of you hug.”

“Uh,” I said.

Prepotente removed himself from Miriam and approached me, arms wide. Tears gli...

“Yes, Carl,” Donut said. “Be a good boy and h...

I gritted my teeth and hugged the goat. His weird, fuzzy arms wrapped tightly around me. He smelled like a barn.

Especially since he looks like a bootleg Monchhichi with a bad haircut and a questionable pedigree.”

Mordecai waited for us, arms crossed, sitting on the counter with his little legs dangling off the edge.

Mongo and Kiwi were not fighting.

They were doing the opposite of fighting.

Mongo lifted his head into the air and howled joyfully as he continued to jackhammer into Kiwi like a drunken sailor on his first liberty at a foreign brothel.

“As soon as he gets back, he’s going into his cage and I’m turning the no dinosaur rule back on,” Donut grumbled.

I kneeled down and patted Mongo on the head. “If I still had cigarettes, I’d let you have one, buddy.”

Mongo made a peeping noise.

“I’m not insulting you, Carl. It’s called constructive criticism. It’s different.”

I caught sight of something I never thought I’d see. My breath caught in my throat as I looked straight down.

Earth. It filled the view, though it was starting to pull away. It took me a breathless moment to orient myself. I could see the Indian Ocean spread out below us, the edge of Madagascar coming into view from the top. The skies were mostly clear of clouds. The whole world was turned 90 degrees from the way I was used to looking at it.

Our change of scenery was so sudden, so unexpected I felt tears come to my eyes. I immediately thought of Coolie, who’d written the 19th edition of the cookbook. This had been his last view, but of his own home planet. He’d d...

“If this ends up being some sort of trick or bullshit beyond what you say, I swear to god I will kill you myself,” I said to Odette. “I don’t care how long it takes, but I will get to you.”

And then, there she was.

Because if the world ends and none of us survive except for you, I think that’s an even more fitting fate. Because you’re going to be all alone, and maybe then you’ll finally understand how you made me and Carl feel.”

“You’re not my person anymore,” Donut added. “Carl is. He’s always been.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” I said, interrupting. “Truly. I wouldn’t wish our fate on anybody. Not even you. But what we’re dealing with right now is so much more important, so much bigger than this drama bullshit. It’s stupid that it was even a thing. I’m glad it’s finally over. I think Donut said everything that needs to be said. We’re done. Finally. Goodbye, Beatrice.” I looked at Odette. “Get her out of here.”

She looked up at me. “Viva la revolución, Carl.”

The show portrayed Lucia cackling maniacally as she pulled out the now-dead boss’s eyeball with her bare hand and bit down on it like it was an apple.

“Yeah, that’s normal,” Donut said.

The name punched me in the gut. Despite their age difference, Yolanda had been one of Imani’s best friends.

Violence breeds chaos. From chaos we were born and into chaos we will succumb.”

“Carl gave Vrah gonorrhea!” Donut cried.

I turned to examine the people in the room. I felt a grin spread across my face as I took everyone in.

This is it, I thought. This is my family now.

It was Katia, Elle, Imani, Bautista, Louis, Firas, Gwen, Tran, Britney along with several others I didn’t know as well. Mongo was also loose and moved freely about the spaces, demanding scratches from everyone like he was an attention-starved dog at a party.

New Achievement! It itches when I pee! You infected another combatant with a venereal disease. Good job there, Derek Jeter. I hope you bought them dinner first.

Reward: You’ve received a Bronze condom. Use it next time.

New Achievement! This little piggy made a boom boom! You deployed a bomb with the supple, curved sole of your foot. You took your perfectly-perfect, 30.004861 centimeter-long right foot and compressed it against an explosive device—a device named after me no less—and you gave it a naughty little shove before you pushed it out the door and detonated it. You killed them. You killed them all for your daddy.

Vrah moved slowly. She hissed in pain with every step. Smoke rose from her crotch.

It stank like burned cheese.

I had a sudden, ominous feeling about this damn dinosaur quest.