M Is for Mama: A Rebellion Against Mediocre Motherhood

by Abbie Halberstadt

The world may not officially require a degree for motherhood, but when we approach it with the same air of studiousness that we would any other

profession at which we want to excel, we exponentially increase the likelihood of our not only surviving but thriving in a household of peace instead of chaos.

And that very relatability is, all too often, the rotten core of the argument that says, “If this many mothers also feel this way, it must be right and true.”

Because it’s not our bad days or our hormones or our understandably tired responses that are the real hang-ups here. The true culprit? Our inability to be anything other than mediocre without Christ.

He reminded me that even though wedding-party dress shopping isn’t mediocre, devoting myself to it to the detriment of my family or my relationship with him is.

Excellent motherhood in Christ is achievable through a myriad of biblically sound paths.

Biblical motherhood encourages us to look outside ourselves—at our children, our homes, our husbands, our friends, and our communities at large—and find ways to overcome mediocrity and uplift each other in the spirit of a mutual (and yet gloriously varied) pursuit of righteousness.

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Wallows in struggles, resulting in prolonged anger or apathy Sees community as a source of self-affirmation Seeks approval for mediocrity CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Acknowledges struggles but leans on the Lord for strength and direction Sees community as a source of encouragement and wisdom Seeks to “do better” through Christ

“Everything you see me doing well is either the result of a natural personality bent or years of the Lord’s molding my weaknesses into something that more closely resembles the way I was uniquely designed to reflect his image.”

Because hard is not the same thing as bad.

Never compare your beginning or middle to anyone else’s anything. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all good mama.

Being a less than creative home chef does not make you a mediocre mama. Being a late riser does not make you a mediocre mama. But shirking? Complaining? Participating in the “mommy wars” of shaming and one-upping? Ignoring our God-given callings?

Motherhood is so much more than feel-good affirmations that there is no wrong way to mother (spoiler alert: There is).

In other words, when I said that being bad at fitting in workouts doesn’t make you a mediocre mom, it was true—unless you have a conviction from the Lord that your health needs to be more of a priority.

If the Holy Spirit is whispering “Do better” in our ears, it doesn’t really matter how many times or in how many ways we shove him away. It doesn’t matter who else isn’t getting the same memo. We will never have peace until we address those areas of growth. And anything resembling peace that we do achieve while tuning out the gentle nudging of God’s Spirit will be a false sense of comfort balanced precariously on a foundation of sin.

Because the ultimate issue is not whether God can use us in unique ways to bless our families (he can) but whether

we are too focused on what others are doing or too focused on making excuses about our insecurities to follow through on his leading.

Saying yes to God’s leading takes a great deal more courage than choosing either defeat or a sense of false superiority. And answering his calling, rather than trying to measure up to our peers, is the only guaranteed way of being the best mamas we possibly can be.

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Gets bogged down in the details of what others are doing Makes excuses based on others’ “performances”

Lives in fear of failure CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Makes the most of the talents we’ve been given Takes responsibility for improving on weaknesses Rests in Christ’s “enoughness”

We examine people’s words and actions for biblical truth. But (and this is a biggie) in circumstances of preference or freedom in Christ, embarking on a holy crusade to convert everyone else to our way of thinking will never end the way we hope. Even if we do win over a few “disciples,” unless our goal is to point them to their identity in Christ, the “conversion” will be a shallow one indeed.

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Trusts the status quo for “truth” Feels insecure and defensive Is swayed by popular opinion CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Looks to Scripture for truth Is confident in her identity in Christ Holds fast to biblical conviction

Colossians 3:23 (ESV) says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Here’s the kicker: That part about “men” means “us” too. The prospect of working heartily with the goal of pleasing God, rather than ourselves, our neighbors, our mothers, our husbands, our bosses, or anyone else, is a bit of a thorny one.

However, a gospel-centered view of the conundrum asks not “How can I if I don’t take care of me first?” but instead “How will Christ in spite of me?”

And it is only when we rest in the knowledge that his ways are always good (notice I did not say easy) that we are able to truly revel in his provision.

And I know this: He will absolutely give you more than you can handle—of both joy and pain. He might pile on the trouble so heavily you feel you will suffocate beneath its weight (I’ve been there). Conversely, he might slather you so thickly with joys and yesses that you’re fairly dripping with a goodness you know you don’t deserve and could never repay (been there too). Both are blessings. Both are ways that he reveals his callings to us. Both require us to shuffle forward with tiny steps of faith and outstretched palms of gratitude.

If you desire to know God’s will for your life as a mother (or anything else), I encourage you to pray a really scary prayer: “Lord, show me what you have for me and then equip me to do it by your power, even if it’s nothing like I imagined it would be.”

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Fears the future Resents hardship and struggles Puts her plans and desires first CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Trusts God’s plan for the future Welcomes adversity for the sake of growth Puts God’s plans and desires first

Lord, we know that every good and perfect gift comes from you (James 1:17), and we desire to recognize your goodness in every aspect of our lives. Open our eyes to the ways that you are directing our paths in motherhood so that we can walk boldly in your will.

However, devotion to Christ is not the same thing as neglecting your basic needs or choosing to be a “martyr” to the detriment of yourself and your family.

Self-denial for its own sake is never an antidote to the worldly view of self-care.

If God intended for us to draw near to him by consistently denying ourselves the goodness with which he has endowed this world, then we certainly wouldn’t have verses like “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8). Jesus would never have transformed water into the tastiest wine at the wedding.

It’s a bit counterintuitive at first glance. You’re saying you don’t have enough time, and yet you’re spending it reading the Bible? But just like he did with the loaves and the fishes, Jesus is faithful to multiply our efforts so that time spent with him is never “wasted” and often amplifies any efforts that follow.

Still, the core truth of his words rings true—the busier we get, the more (not less) we need the Lord.

And therein, my friends, lies the rub. Does self-care—whatever that looks like—produce an attitude of gratitude in us? Or do we begin to expect such privileges on the regular, even to the point of pouting when we can’t have them?

When we grasp at our culture’s version of self-care as the ultimate remedy for our woes, we discount the fact that the very God of the universe was the one who gave us a love for really good books or bubble baths. We miss the fact that both our souls and our physical selves are in his tender care every moment of every day.

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Performs self-care with a focus on self Says you can’t pour from an empty cup Feels entitled to “me time” CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Performs self-care with a focus on soul Says, in Christ, “my cup runneth over” Feels grateful for even short breaks

Because “done” things don’t come back to bite you like “undone” ones.

1. “Mom guilt” is applicable only if we are actually guilty of the mud our own brains are slinging at us. 2. God is way more interested in our holiness than a daily litany of our shortcomings (although he is so kind and patient with us when we do vent our frustrations).

There is no better cure for deceit than the medicine of Scripture.

The worldly approach represents a flimsy and false foundation of bravado, which will crumble in the face of sleepless nights, hormonal swings, and “bad days.” The biblical approach promises freedom from circumstantial control in favor of daily growth and sanctification.

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Calls all forms of guilt unhealthy Opts for an empty gospel of self-love Finds worth in results alone CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Acknowledges that we are guilty of sin Glories in the gospel of Christ’s completed work on the cross Chooses contentment in Christ

God had given me the extraordinary privilege of raising up children for his purposes and his glory, and in addition (not in precedence), he had given me a dream of writing and publishing a book.

When I embraced “Mama” as my profession, the rest of my interests largely fell into place.

If you already are a mother, then no other profession you can claim during your primary season of mothering can trump that of your job as a mama. Why? Because nothing else has the potential to impact the everlasting souls of the precious humans who have been entrusted to you (and to no one else) as much as the act of worship that is laying aside your other interests to focus on loving your family well.

So why do we joke about letting ourselves get away with things in motherhood that we never would if an earthly boss were watching (especially in light of a heavenly Father who is)?

we have not trained ourselves to choose hard things and to see the value in investing now to produce long-term fruit in ourselves and our children.

Our professional standards start at home with the people who live under our own roofs. How we prioritize their needs and the attitudes we cultivate toward them speak volumes about how we define excellence in any area.

Far from being “proud” of us for pursuing professions that dominate our attention, our kids internalize our prioritizing career over them as a form of rejection, and they respond in a variety of negative ways.

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Scoffs at motherhood as a profession Assumes that mothering is marking time until we can do something really important Underestimates the impact on our kids of prioritizing career over children CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Views the profession of motherhood as a high and holy calling Sees time spent with kids as an investment in eternity Chooses excellence in motherhood first