Full Tilt (Full Tilt, #1)

by Emma Scott

I didn’t know it then—I couldn’t have—but in that moment, the rest of my life, or what was left of it, began.

Dying, I learned, is a not a team sport. It’s a solitary endeavor. Everyone I loved was standing on dry land, while I was alone on a boat as it slowly pulled away from the shore, and there’s nothing anyone could do about it but watch it happen.

She said it calmly enough, but I’d learned by now that everything Kacey felt was revealed in her large, luminous eyes. She cared about everything, passionately.

Jets of water arced up from the pond, swaying in time. They moved gently at first, almost shyly, like couples on a first date, touching and then collapsing over the expanse of water. Blue light illuminated them from below. As the song gathered momentum, more jets rose higher and crashed harder, creating clouds of mist. The colors changed to red, to pale purple, and then silvery white. The song hit its crescendo and Kacey’s grip on my arm tightened. Her eyes grew soft, and she watched the water dance, but I could look nowhere but at her. The show was at my periphery, a backdrop to her.

When I returned to the living room, Kacey sat up, yawning and stretching. She smiled when she saw me. A surprised smile. As if we hadn’t spent all evening hanging out together. As if I’d been years away in Africa and not two minutes in the john. But I felt it too. I missed her. Every time I closed my fucking eyes, I missed her.

I turned back to Jonah. He looked down at me and our eyes locked. In the next heartbeat I was standing on my tiptoes and pressing my lips to his. He made a sound in his chest, as if in pain, and I felt the answering ache in mine. I pulled away before the soft kiss became a hard promise I couldn’t keep. I turned and climbed into the car and didn’t look back. Not even to wave. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” — Cesare Pavese

“That you can find beauty everywhere, even in the things that scare you the most.”

I looked at Kacey sitting beside me. She is not merely an ocean. She is an entire universe.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?” You. My thoughts are filled with you. Always.

“You can trust me. Trust me when I say I can take it. You and me. I can take it. Whatever happens.” “I do trust you. My pushing you away was never about mistrusting you. It was me not wanting to hurt you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, since the first moment I saw you. To protect you. To keep you safe.”

“No going back, okay? No second-guessing. If we do, we just waste time. I don’t want to waste a single moment with you. Not one.” She pushed herself up onto her elbows. “Do you promise me? No going back?”

I would love you forever, Kacey, if I only had the chance.

And yet I was hers completely. She owned me. No other woman had ever made me feel like this: undone, completely unraveled and yet complete. Kacey made me whole. Healthy. Invincible.

My Jonah, I thought. He’s mine now, and I’m his.

“Every time I see you, I think, This is it. She cannot possibly look more beautiful than she does right now. And then I see you the next time.”

With every breath, my thoughts fell away. As I drifted deeper in the beauty of his eyes, I felt my self cease to exist. No me. No him. Only us. Our skin melted together, creating a third presence, sharing the air, sharing our bodies.

“Because loving her is the best thing I’ve ever done.”