Full Tilt (Full Tilt, #1)

by Emma Scott

“Thanks for being a good guy, Jonah. There’s a shortage in the world.”

The smile that broke over his face when he saw me warmed me like a summer sun.

Dying, I learned, is a not a team sport. It’s a solitary endeavor. Everyone I loved was standing on dry land, while I was alone on a boat as it slowly pulled away from the shore, and there’s nothing anyone could do about it but watch it happen.

I wouldn’t vanish into thin air, I’d use my air to infuse and shape the molten glass, capture my breath within it, and when it hardened, a part of me would remain locked inside forever.

Her eyes grew soft, and she watched the water dance, but I could look nowhere but at her. The show was at my periphery, a backdrop to her.

“I hate that people leave when they’re supposed to stay.”

“I’m scared that I’m so busy being scared that I’ll never be anything at all.”

My world had been fading to gray until she burst in like a bombshell of color and light,

Kacey Dawson had splashed color and light into my life,

They were my oldest friends, the only friends I couldn’t push away when my last biopsy results were made known. They were ingrained in the fabric of my life, no matter how long a life it turned out to be.

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.”

“That you can find beauty everywhere, even in the things that scare you the most.”

He kissed me as if I were something delicate and precious, something he cherished and held with reverence.

I committed these moments to memory with the hope I might take them with me wherever I went next.

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” I looked at Kacey sitting beside me. She is not merely an ocean. She is an entire universe.

I want to be with you every second of my life

like sunlight seeping through the cracks of an abandoned, boarded-up house, Kacey was invading me. Tearing down the shutters, ripping out the boards and letting the light in.

I would love you forever, Kacey, if I only had the chance.

No more living life halfway. We had to go full tilt, just like the card players did. I would hit instead of stay. Always.

I glanced at the tough, built, tattooed man sitting across from me, glaring daggers at his brother. Yet I could easily see the sweet little boy he’d been, describing this nonexistent but precious butterfly.

“It’s a special skill, being able to take a person’s vision and turn it into a reality. And you’re absolutely right it’s a risk. The artist has to ink it perfect the first time, because there’s no second time. Jonah can recycle the glass and start over. Theo gets one shot. No do-overs.”

“Kacey.” He held my face in his hands, his dark eyes intent on me. “You make me feel alive.”

“Every time I see you, I think, This is it. She cannot possibly look more beautiful than she does right now. And then I see you the next time.”

My eyes couldn’t get enough of Jonah being greeted and congratulated for his beautiful legacy.

I blinked away tears as Dale Chihuly offered Jonah his hand and Jonah shook it.

I knew. Jonah met his idol. His hero praised the work. Theo and I witnessed it. It would forever be one of the most precious moments of our lives.

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. I toast to our dear friend, Jonah, whose exhibit is the embodiment of those words. You’ve created so much beauty, my friend, the world cannot help but be grateful to you for it.”

I’m not religious or even particularly spiritual. But I can’t help but feel the universe is a vast place, and the soul of a human being is infinite, even if the body is temporary.”

“Falling in love and being loved in return. That’s the heaviest one. But you’re here now. And the way he talks about you…” Her eyes filled and spilled over. “His eyes light up and his voice changes when he says your name. His smile when you walk into a room is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

Your eyes light up when my son is near. Your voice changes when you say his name. And the smile you wear when you’re looking at him and think no one is watching… Those are gifts I’ll never be able to thank you for. To know my Jonah is loved. He’ll leave this world loved, won’t he?”

“He’s loved and he’ll be loved forever.”

Her words sunk into my heart. Not the failing organ in my chest, but the part of me that beat for her, lived for her.

Kacey Dawson was there, her fingers entwined with mine. I wasn’t alone and my hand wasn’t empty.

I felt him in every pore, every breath and beat of our hearts. I’d never experienced anything like this in my life. He was a universe. My love for him was just as boundless.

“It’s the best thing you’ve ever made,” Tania murmured. “Because loving her is the best thing I’ve ever done.”

Jonah was worth everything.

I kissed Jonah Fletcher with all of my heart, and with every piece of my soul that would love him forever.

I had known Jonah Fletcher. I had been loved by him, and it was a privilege I would carry with me for the rest of my life.

“I love you,” I said. “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn’t give back one second of our time together. Not one.”

“Being loved by you, Jonah…it’s the greatest honor of my life.”

I could see a receding shore beneath a sky full of stars. Millions upon millions of stars. Millions upon millions of moments. All of them with her name.

I loved her more than I had ever loved anyone and was loved in return.

I will love you forever.

I kept my broken heart to myself, until you came and took it in your gentle hands and breathed life into it. Into me.

This ball of glass and fire is as close as I’ll come to showing what you’ve been to me. I tried to put everything you are and everything I feel for you all in one place. But capturing the enormity of you is impossible. It’s not enough. Nothing will ever be enough. You are a universe, Kacey.

That’s my legacy: I loved you and was loved by you.