How to Keep House While Drowning

by K.C. Davis

You don’t exist to serve your space; your space exists to serve you. Internalizing this belief will help you a) shift your perspective of care tasks from a moral obligation to a functional errand, b) see what changes you actually want to make, and c) weave them into your life with minimal effort, relying not on self-loathing but on self-compassion.

When I viewed getting my life together as a way for trying to atone for the sin of falling apart, I stayed stuck in a shame-fueled cycle of performance, perfectionism, and failure.

You are already worthy of love and belonging. This is not a journey of worthiness but a journey of care. A journey of learning how we can care for ourselves when we feel like we are drowning. Because you must know, dear heart, that you are worthy of care whether your house is immaculate or a mess.

When you view care tasks as moral, the motivation for completing them is often shame. When everything is in place, you don’t feel like a failure; when it’s messy or untidy, you do.

Next time you are trying to talk yourself into doing a care task, what would it be like to replace the voice that says, “Ugh, I should really go clean my house right now because it’s a disaster,” with “It would be such a kindness to future me if I were to get up right now and do _______. That task will allow me to experience comfort, convenience, and pleasure later.”

Sometimes you may not get up even with the change in self-talk. But you know what? You weren’t getting up when you were being mean to yourself either, so at least you can be nice to yourself. No one ever shamed themselves into better mental health.

In addiction recovery, as in most of life, success depends not on having strong willpower, but in developing mental and emotional tools to help you experience the world differently.

Although it looks like a lot, there are actually only five things in any room: (1) trash, (2) dishes, (3) laundry, (4) things that have a place and are not in their place, and (5) things that do not have a place.

1. The first step is to take a trash bag and pick up all the trash. Throw it away into the bag. Take large trash items like boxes and stack them together and place the trash bag with it. Do not take the trash out. 2. Next gather all of the dishes and place them in your sink or on your counter. Do not do the dishes. 3. Take a laundry basket and pick up all the clothes and shoes. Place the laundry basket next to the trash pile. Do not do the laundry. 4. Next pick a space in the room like a corner or a desk and put all the items there that have a place back in their place. Then put the items that have no place in a pile. Move to the next space and repeat until all things are back in their spots. 5. Now you will have a pile of things that do not have a place. It will be easier now that the space is clear to tackle this category. You may choose to get rid of some items that have no place and are contributing to clutter. For important things, you can find them a permanent place. 6. Take out your trash to the bin; throw laundry into the wash or laundry room. Now your space is livable. I always save the dishes for another day.

Begin to notice how you speak to yourself on days when you feel you have fallen behind. You can set up the best systems in the world and they won’t change your life if you still hate yourself on days when you can’t keep up.

For a lot of people, finding a method that bypasses the most executive functioning barriers or that makes a task a little less intolerable is better than what’s “quickest.” In the end, the approach that you are motivated to do and enjoy doing is the most “efficient,” because you are actually doing it and not avoiding it.

Being organized means tidying moves more quickly and makes my life more functional and cleaning less overwhelming.

My organizational system is, on its face, just putting a basket in the right place.

It doesn’t matter if you’re “never caught up on laundry.” It only matters if everyone has clean clothes to wear when they need them. If your laundry system produces clean clothes, then it’s working. If you’d like to make it more efficient, then get creative! But remember that upgrading your laundry system can only increase your functioning, not your worth.

I find this stems from that binary view of care tasks that they can be only either done or not done and that done is the superior state. But keeping everything done isn’t the point. Keeping things functional is the point because here’s the thing: it will look like that again tomorrow only if I clean it today. If I don’t clean it, it will be even more messy because we live here and we create mess. And if tomorrow’s mess on top of today’s mess is going to make my space not function for me, then it’s time to reset the space.

Imperfection is required for a good life.

the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic & some are made of glass.

As with any care task, self-compassion is key. Shame is the enemy of functioning.

One day I just start asking, “What if I am? What if I am deserving of kindness? What if I am worthy of love? What if I am someone who deserves a functioning space? What if I am allowed to make mistakes?” It doesn’t matter what you think the answer is. Just start making room for the possibility you are wrong when you say you aren’t worthy.

Perfectionism is debilitating. I want you to embrace adaptive imperfection. We aren’t settling for less; we are engaging in adaptive routines that help us live and function and thrive. Good enough is perfect.

“Forget about creating a routine. You have to focus on finding your rhythm.” With routines you are either on track or not. With rhythm you can skip a beat and still get back in the groove.

I was serving my home, but my home wasn’t serving me.

I’ve also come to realize that anything that creates momentum is a win.

Sometimes we think, “When I’m done and it’s all in order, then I’ll be able to breathe and I won’t feel this way,” but the reality is there is no finish line. And that’s a good thing. You don’t have to do better to start feeling better. You can start a journey of creating functional systems for you while being kind to yourself.

The key is to embrace that idea that there is no finish line of worthiness. You are worthy now. There is only increased function ahead. And it’s going to be wonderful.

I realized that I only ever wanted to be skinny because I wanted to be loved and happy.

Care tasks exist for one reason only… to make your body and space functional enough for you to easily experience the joy this world has to offer.