Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

But even within a marriage, friendship reigns. Work by Gallup found that 70 percent of marital satisfaction is due to the couple’s friendship. Tom Rath says it’s five times as critical to a good marriage as physical intimacy.

Friendship is more real because either person can walk away at any time. Its fragility proves its purity.

“are disposed toward each other as they are disposed to themselves: a friend is another self.”

friendship was an occupational tool for entrepreneurs, an instrument of the will in an inherently competitive society.”

So how do we make more time for friends as an adult? The key comes down to rituals.

Arthur Aron (who developed the IOS Scale) got strangers to feel like lifelong pals in just forty-five minutes. How? Well, that leads us to our second costly signal: vulnerability.

It’s ironic: when we meet new people, we often try to impress them—and this can be a terrible idea. Through a series of six studies, researchers found that signaling high status doesn’t help new friendships, it hurts them. Again, might be good for sales calls or conveying leadership, but it makes finding “another self” much more difficult.

but the irony is that our weaknesses are where trust comes from.

In other words, trust creates trust.

The danger of being exploited creates the value inherent in trust, giving it its power.

How do you signal you’re trustworthy? By trusting someone else. And then, often, the trust in yo...

Vulnerability tells people they’re part of an exclusive club. They’re special to you. Aron found that self-disclosure directl...

we consistently overestimate how negatively our errors will be perceived.

more? So next time you’re with someone you care about, or someone you want to deepen your friendship with, follow The Scary Rule™: If it scares you, say it.

Then let me put the metaphorical gun to your head: not being vulnerable kills friendships.

Oh, and not being open and vulnerable doesn’t just kill friendships: it can also kill you.

Make the time, vulnerably share your thoughts, and raise the stakes. If all goes well, they do the same.

And Daniel Kahneman would tell that story of the night with the Nazi in the statement they have you write when you’re awarded a Nobel Prize.

Narcissists don’t include others in their “self,” at least not much or often.

Narcissism is when you stop trying to soothe your insecurities by relying on people and instead turn to an imaginary self where you are superior.

Most of us find strength in others; they find it only in themselves. There isn’t “another self.”

For narcissists, “getting ahead is more important than getting along.” And as for “a friend in need”? To a narcissist, a friend in need is simply a weak person.

This involves critical feeling, not critical thinking. What’s great is that empathy prompts are both litmus test and treatment.

Next time the jerk says something jerky respond: “That hurt my feelings. Is that what you intended?” If they can be saved, they’ll backpedal.

And your narcissist isn’t accustomed to empathy, so when it hits, it can hit a lot harder. Remind them about family, friendship, and the connections

Their default setting isn’t empathy, so you just need to kick that back into gear. And if you get a positive response with any of these, take a lesson from dog training: positive reinforcement. Reward them for it.

They suffer from higher rates of depression, anxiety, chronic envy, perfectionism, relationship difficulties, and last, but certainly not least, suicide.

They may not feel guilt, but they do feel shame, and narcissists are very concerned about appearances.

Empathy is when the line between you and another blurs. Closeness is when your vision of your “self” makes room for someone else to be in there too. And a true friend is “another self.” A part of you. Aristotle said it first, and after procrastinating for a few millennia, science proved him right.

Daniel Kahneman’s mother knew that people are complex, and sometimes they just need an emotional nudge so that they stop trying to be special and start trying to be better.

let’s say: “A friend who is there for you when you’re in need is definitely a friend.”

Pfizer’s UK lab had developed an angina medication, Sildenafil Citrate, which had the curious side effect of giving men erections. Yes, this would become Viagra.

But Rooney knew this wasn’t a real problem, it was just a semantic one. And that’s how the term erectile dysfunction was born. No, that phrase isn’t a medical diagnosis that has been around forever. It’s a clinical-sounding euphemism born in the 1990s from marketing, not medicine.

Finkel says that before, you had to justify leaving your spouse; now, you have to justify staying.

“You will forget Henriette too.”

“Love seems to provide a shuttle service that operates between only two destinations: heaven and hell.”

What did predict loneliness was, again, an issue of quality: the individuals’ ratings of the meaningfulness, or the meaninglessness, of their encounters with other people.” Loneliness isn’t about being alone: it’s about not having a feeling of meaningful connection.

shift in marriage over the same period, a monsoon of new ideas overhauled our societal narrative. It can be summed up in one word: individualism. Alberti writes, “It is no coincidence that the term ‘individualism’

It’s hard to understate just how many profound ideas and cultural shifts—political, philosophical, religious, and economic—came about in the nineteenth century, moving the individual to the forefront and sticking community in the back seat. Secularism. Utilitarianism. Darwinism. Freudianism. Capitalism. And consumerism. The social contract gave way to autonomy, and we went from communal to competitive. And this only accelerated in the twentieth century with even more isms like existentialism and postmodernism.

It’s awesome to feel in control and free, not bound by social obligations, but your brain knows that also means others are also free and not obligated to look out for you. And millions of years of evolution taught our physiology that that means one thing. Help is not coming. You’re on your own.

Loneliness is less a personal affliction than a cultural pathology.

A Japanese government survey found 37.6 percent of young people don’t want a romantic partner. Why? Most said it was “bothersome.” Real relationships seem too difficult, too much of a risk. Japanese men say they don’t want the mendokusai (“too much trouble”) of human relationships. And their female counterparts agree.

there are two kinds of popularity. The first is status. Status is about power and influence.

And that leads us to the other type of popularity: being likable. A focus on intrinsic goals.

The things that make your life happy are growing as an individual, having loving relationships, and contributing to your community.”

Technology has brought us tremendous positives, but it also cannibalizes time we could be spending with others as a community. Konrad Zuse, who is considered the father of the modern computer, said, “The danger that computers will become like humans is not as great as the danger that humans will become like computers.”

Deep down, we’re still those Homo sapiens on the savannah, and what did they need?

the placebo effect. Often, the effect was so strong that it was more powerful than the drug being tested.

We’re trying to relieve pain and this relieves pain. Why would you hate it?

“We were struggling to increase drug effects while no one was trying to increase the placebo effect.”