It just doesn’t work. Every marriage therapist (and me) is wrong. The hostage negotiators are right. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington, actually put it to the test. Active listening sounds great. And it works well in scenarios like hostage negotiation or therapy where the practitioner is a third party and has some distance from the problem. But marital arguments are different; they’re about you not taking out the trash. Mirroring, labeling, and accepting all emotions when you’re being screamed at by your spouse are about as natural as telling someone
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