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by
Eric Barker
To Aristotle, friends “are disposed toward each other as they are disposed to themselves: a friend is another self.”
Jeff Hall’s research found that it took as many as sixty hours to develop a light friendship, sometimes one hundred hours to get to full-fledged “friend” status, and two hundred or more hours to unlock the vaunted “best friend” achievement. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but either way—yowzers, that’s a lot of time.
Aron found that self-disclosure directly aids in producing “another self.” And that’s how he got people to become best buds in forty-five minutes.
As long as you feel emotionally safe and you’re getting a positive reception, share more. That’s how you build “another self.” Still hesitant about opening up? Then let me put the metaphorical gun to your head: not being vulnerable kills friendships. That same study on the number of hours required to make a friend showed more small talk in a friendship produced a drop in closeness.
Only 11–18 percent of couples achieve notable improvements. As the New York Times reports, two years after therapy, a quarter of marriages that sought help are in rockier shape than ever, and after four years, 38 percent go splitsville. But why doesn’t it work? Most couples wait too long to go. There’s an average six-year delay between the first cracks in a marriage and actually getting help.
Narcissism Personality Index increased by almost 50 percent between 1990 and 2006 among a similar cohort. In the twenty-first century, narcissism has been increasing as quickly as obesity. When we feel connected to others, control is less important because we feel help is there. But when we’re lonely, our brain scans for threats twice as fast. We need control over the environment to feel safe. And that desperate need for control in an ever more individualistic world is affecting our relationships. Not only how we handle them but the kind we choose and the form they take. We want ones where we
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