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There’s nothing like a shit-talking sword to reinforce the notion that your dad is an idiot.
“I can’t work like this!” “You can work me five ways till Sunday, big guy.”
“The king has small dick energy!” cried the sword. Dad jumped up from his chair and pointed at the blade. “Finally, you say something I can agree with!”
“Are you going to stop talking and be good for our buyers?” “Take me to the red-light district, and we’ll talk about
There was something to be said about a woman with the confidence to unleash hell with a long sword. Men tended not to mess with you once they saw you swinging a fine blade like it was nothing. Possibly why I was still single at thirty-two, but who’s counting? Men are dumb, and are seldom worth the bother.
“Oh honey, I have no idea. I was born three days ago when your father made me. If I had to wager a guess? I’d say butt stuff.”
What is this book LMAO
“Right, a sword that likes butt stuff and violence. Perfect. You are the ideal travel companion.”
“My name is Alexis. Stop calling me Sword.” “When did you get a name? I thought you were born three days ago.” “I just decided!” It snapped. “If you’re not going to take me to see mermaid butts, you could at least call me by my name.”
“Okay, Alexis, do you know where exactly the fox demon lives?” “Hey, trees!” It shouted. “We’re looking for the fox demon. Show us the way!”
“This better not be another human sacrifice situation. I don’t know why you humans keep trying to do that. It’s gross.”
“Would you like to come inside so we may discuss terms,” he asked, gesturing behind him. “Or would you prefer to continue undressing me with your eyes and freezing your ass off?”
“Alright, now I’m with you. But here’s the thing; I didn’t come here to marry a man I just met. I just want my dad’s weapons to stop calling our customers hog-headed hoes.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad, would it? A full week of being wined, dined, and my face buried in between your legs.”
“Just to be clear, you don’t eat humans, right?” His lips curved into a smile against my wrist. “No Ruby, I don’t.” That’s just what a demon who ate humans would say.
“You taste far too sweet for your own good.”
I sent up a silent heartfelt apology to human men everywhere. Once word got out that demons were out here tonguing down women under beautiful illusions, it was over for normal men. “I see.”
“This is unacceptable. What is the point of a room with only one bed if no one is getting ravished before dinner?”
“I love that you’re willing to let a man you just met clap those cheeks, but not those emotions. Respect.”
“There’s a private mine on the line. I’ll take a week of being slightly uncomfortable if it means I walk away a rich bitch.” “We are kindred spirits, you and I.”
“I’m a blacksmith,” I said, shrugging. “The sword is basically product placement.”
“The only thing I’m begging you to do is keep talking, so I have a reason to let your man get me pregnant just to make you suffer. Ever see a human bring a living, breathing creature into this world out of spite? Cause you’re about to.”
“Wow,” the sword gasped. “I never thought of it like that. But you know, there is one sure-fire way to solve this.” “How?” “You use your fucking words and ask him.”
“You aren’t concerned with this whole thing moving too fast?” He shrugged. “So what if it is? Being with you these past few days has been bliss. Maybe it will work out and we’ll grow old and gray together. Or maybe it will end in heartbreak. If it’s the latter then…well I know of a cliff on the east side of my territory that would be great for brooding off into the night.”
“You make it sound so easy.” “Sometimes it is.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, Vixen. When you and the other women head out in the morning, just head east to the large cherry tree nestled in the valley. I’ll meet you there.” “Sounds like cheating.” I teased. “Did you want to kiss a Spitaur?” “Nope. Never mind, cheating is great. I’ll be good.” “I thought so.”
“It doesn’t matter what you do, that fact will never change. She is the one I want to be with until the moment I stop breathing, and until I can find her again in the next life. She is my soulmate and if you ever even think of getting in the way of that again, it will be the last mistake you ever make.”
