Negotiation Mythbusters: Rethinking Everything You Know About Building Strong Agreements

by Dan Oblinger

“Absorb what is useful Discard what is not. Add what is uniquely yours.”

A powerful question: “If you don’t come out, who will tell your side of this story of what happened here today? Others will speak FOR you. They are not you. It seems like you are fine with this?”

Think about the sorts of emotions that lead people to remain silent. Fear. Anxiety. Disgust. Apathy.

During one selection process, one applicant was poised and confident. When asked what qualities she had to make the team better, she identified her speaking ability. And she was correct! She was a good speaker as she claimed. Then a curious thing happened after the interview. Dan’s team always uses a practical exercise to evaluate baseline negotiation ability. The officer who was a good speaker was given a chance to try out as a good negotiator. Predictably, when she was put under pressure she defaulted to talking. She didn’t listen! She missed critical information and opportunities from the actor. Her talking caused a negative emotional spiral that she didn’t know how to correct or pause. As the situation worsened, she ran out of things to say. Then, she quit. She was a victim of a deeply rooted myth about what great negotiations require. Speaking ability is good to have provided your listening game is locked in. Unfortunately, there is a myth that good speakers make good negotiators. The problem with good speakers is they like to speak too much! It is what they are comfortable doing. They also substitute quantity for quality as their speaking ability gets stressed or when their words are not immediately effective.

That’s not how it works in the real world. While you can delivery an excellent question or observation that creates discovery or seals rapport, the real magic in a negotiation comes from listening and decision-making, not eloquence.