The Missus

by Natasha West

Alanna didn’t ordinarily like to use words like ‘Crazy’, but what Keira had proposed was batshit banana-pants crazy. Mad as fish. Nutty as a pistachio wearing a walnut shell coat and a hat made of almond.

‘I’m Keira’s girlfriend,’ Alanna shot back, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, jabbing a thumb at Keira. ‘Really?’ Kim asked. ‘You think I don’t know who I am?’ Alanna asked. It seemed like she was trying to say it angrily, but it just came off confused.

‘These two, she basically stole… I mean, Alanna’s a lesbian now. Aren’t you?’ Benjamin said haughtily. ‘Could you please look up the word bisexual? I’m begging you,’ Alanna snapped at him.

‘What is it with people? Why can’t they treat sex as a sport?’ ‘People are wired to form attachments. It’s evolutionary. You herd up to stay safe from predators,’ Alanna said, handing her the cup. ‘That’s what it is?’ Keira said, shocked. ‘Cavepeople try not to get eaten by dinosaurs. and now I can’t get laid without girls trying to marry me?’ She took a sip of her drink, wide-eyed.

‘You don’t write because you’re indifferent to words,’ Keira told her. ‘You do it because you have a sick, co-dependent relationship with them that causes you to rage and delight all the livelong day.’

‘Are you a psychiatrist?’ Alanna was rumbled. ‘Counsellor.’ ‘What’s the difference?’ ‘A doctorate,’ Alanna said plainly.

‘I didn’t think you’d come,’ he said. ‘I have no idea why you’re answering the door, but you really need to work on your greeting skills,’ Keira told him. ‘The party’s in the back. I was just using the toilet, and the door went. I was being polite.’ ‘I think you might need to look up that word.’

‘You don’t know Sandra Lennox. She could fall in horse shit and judge its ability to grow a rose.’

Question number one. If A is love and we subtract B (friendship), what is the product? Divide by abject sorrow and lives ruined.

‘I hate red wine,’ Keira said, pouring two glasses out. She handed one to Alanna and took a sip from the other. She gagged and took another sip. Alanna smiled. ‘You could just not drink it.’ ‘That’s how the terrorists win,’ Keira said cryptically.