Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

by Susan Cain

We often notice suffering (our own and that of others) but quickly dismiss it and thus do not allow ourselves to be emotionally touched or moved by the suffering.” But perhaps none of this is possible without first cultivating self-compassion. This may sound like the opposite of what you’d do to encourage humility. But many of us engage, without even realizing it, in a constant stream of negative self-talk: “You’re terrible at this.” “Why did you screw that up?” But, as Jazaieri observes, “There’s no empirical evidence to suggest that beating ourselves up will actually help us change our behavior; in fact, some data suggests that this type of criticism can move us away from our goals rather than towards them.” Conversely, the more gently we speak to ourselves, the more we’ll do the same for others. So the next time you hear that harsh internal voice, pause, take a breath—and try again. Speak to yourself with the same tenderness you’d extend to a beloved child—literally using the same terms of endearment and amount of reassurance that you’d shower on an adorable three-year-old.