Confessions of an Alleged Good Girl

by Joya Goffney

“Wait.” He snorts a laugh. “Why did that...

“It didn’t sound dirty.” My cheeks g...

“Five seconds with that book and you’re already talk...

“Why are you laughing?”

“You know, Sasha, I thought you would be proud of me.”

“I would be proud if you were able to use the book to finish.”

I narrow my eyes, and then it sinks in. “Oh. I see.”

Reggie howls louder, holding on to his knees. Sasha winks at me, and my cheeks get hot. Can we not talk about mas...

“were you able to finish with that book?”

“Are we really talking about masturbation right now?”

“Masturbation isn’t some terrible thing. It’s normal. It’s good for you. I masturbate all the time, and I’m sure that idiot in there has his hands do...

“It’s fine. I know you’re playing dumb, but that’s your homework.” “To masturbate?” I ask. “To admit that you masturbate.”

I’m jumping up and down too, laughing with Reggie. I don’t know what it is about him, but he has a tendency to make me forget the reasons I hesitate. He makes me lose all regret.

“I feel like people are more comfortable watching someone get bullied and judged in public than they are watching other people kiss and hug. That’s pretty twisted.”

“Could you guys keep the whole gay thing on the low? My family knows and a few of my friends know, but it’s not something I want the whole town knowing.”

“I just let people believe it because there was no point in trying to change their minds.”

“You don’t even believe in God,” I say. “I don’t believe in the Christian God,” he clarifies. “But I’m not naive, Monique. I believe in the Magic 8 Ball gods.”

He didn’t need an explanation after I said no. He didn’t put me in a situation where I had to repeatedly reject him—I didn’t expect to be so wildly turned on by that.

“Well, maybe you can do it even faster, if you try hard enough.” My stomach falls, and so does my smile.

anjing

“You can. Just do it for me.”

but why the hell she need to do it just bcs of you?! u r an asshole

The first thing Dom asked me when he found out about my condition is if I’ll ever be able to have sex.

Reggie asked me if I was okay, if I needed to be rushed to the hospital for a possible collapsing vagina. Reggie makes me forget that I have this condition,

but Dom lets it define me. Dom makes m...

I nod. I don’t know why I nod. I just want him to leave. I would like to be alone now.

And I haven’t touched the dilators either. Mostly because I haven’t felt ready. And a little because it feels like Dom is watching me, waiting for me to succeed, so he can claim me again.

Second of all, you talk as if you deserve my body more than Reggie does, just because we were together for two years.”

“I do,” he says, not seeing the issue.

tolol

“My body isn’t a prize—some trophy you get after a certain amount of time. You don’t deserve my body, and neither does Reggie—it doesn’t work like that. My body is mine to give whenever I want to whoever I want. My choice to have sex is just that—my cho...

“How about this? I’ll drive. We’ll go back to my house, eat some pizza, watch a terrible horror movie, and have fun. Okay?” I smile, despite everything. “Do you even have your license?” “No, but it’s fine.”

We weren’t perfect. We were never perfect. We were liars and broken and unbalanced. Nothing about us was ever perfect.

Don’t let them keep you from living your life the way you want to live it. At the end of the day, it’s your life. You have to answer for your decisions—not them.

Why did I ever stop writing? When did I stop writing? I don’t even have to think about it—I stopped everything after I started dating Dom. I stopped hanging out with friends, I stopped dreaming. He was my dream. I would have given up everything for him. I would have thrown away my dreams to become his wife. And he would have let me.

“I told him that no one deserves to have premarital sex with my daughter. That the only person who deserves to have sex with my daughter is the man she chooses to be her husband.”

I roll my eyes at that.

“What?” He smiles. “Was that the wrong ...

“No one deserves to have sex with me. Sex isn’t some prize at the end of an obstacle course, or a carrot y...

He laughs. “That’s not wha...

“But that’s how y’all are tr...

“Who is y...

“You and Dom. Men. I do...

He doesn’t make me feel like there’s anything wrong with me.”

“You make me feel like I’ll be less of a person if I have sex before marriage. Like I’m worth more because I’m a virgin.”

Do you know what it feels like to be hugged by a boy you really like? It’s like everything about him is interesting, like the way he dips down so that my chin can rest on his shoulder, and how solid he feels—like I can’t believe he’s real—and

My mom narrows her eyes at him. “The boy who hurt my daughter physically, mentally, and emotionally, tried to ruin her reputation and destroy her current, much healthier relationship with Reggie, manipulated my husband and took advantage of everything we’ve done for him.” She nods, stewing. “Yeah, that’s Dom, all right.”

He looks like he’s about to cry. He avoids their eyes, staring down at his shoes, and I feel a little embarrassed for him. But I mostly feel proud—proud to be surrounded by women who have my back.

“I really want to talk to you alone.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything to say to you.” I shrug again, dismissively.

“But I have a lot...

Myracle rolls her eyes. “Nobody gives a damn about what you have to say. If my sister is done with you, t...

“Momma is my hero,” she whispers.