If He Had Been with Me

by Laura Nowlin

I see the puddle of water by her head even though he does not. I see the black glistening power line that the storm has torn down draped through the water. Finny does not; he only sees her, what he thinks is his destination.

Death happens to him more suddenly than I can describe to you or even care to imagine.

Today is the day halfway between our birthdays and the leaves have begun to change.

In the end, my decision comes down to one thing: I think Finny would forgive me.

I ever pause, and it is to consider if I should take the biggest knife since it is what I imagined, or if I should be practical and choose the one that would do the best job. But if I am caught with this note, I will have to tell lots of lies for days or maybe weeks until they will leave me alone long enough to try again, and so I decide that if I am determined enough, it won’t matter which knife I take, and so I take the big one.

“And when was your last menstrual cycle, dear?” For the first time in weeks, everything within me goes still and silent.

Finny wouldn’t approve of me trying again if I am pregnant.

Finny couldn’t stand to let worms die on the sidewalks; I would never be able to convince him that it would be for the best.

Just because something seems impossible doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try.

And Finny smirks at me because he knows he has won.