If He Had Been with Me

by Laura Nowlin

“No,” he says. There is a slight tremble in his voice. “After we turned thirteen. Why did you have to leave like that?”

“I didn’t leave,” I finally say. My words lack conviction; even I can hear it. “We just grew apart.” Finny shakes his head. “We did not just grow apart, Autumn,” he says. “I didn’t mean to,” I say. “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry. But everything would have gone back to normal if you hadn’t kissed me out of nowhere without even asking. Do you have any idea how much you scared me that night?” “I scared you?” “I wasn’t ready,”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I hate myself for hurting you.” “I’m sorry too.” “For what?” “I’m sorry for kissing you.” “Don’t say that,” I say. “Don’t say you’re sorry for that.”

“You make me happier than any other person ever has,” I say, but he still won’t look at me. “Do I?” he says. I nod. “Every day,”

“What if I kissed you right now?” he says.

“That would make me happy,” I say.

I turn my face to the side, and he presses his mouth against mine.

“No, don’t stop,” I say. I pull on his shoulder. “Lie down with me.” I lean back onto his pillows.

We kiss quickly at first, as if we’re trying to make up for lost time, and then long and slow, as if we’re daring each other to see who can last longer. My hands are on his back, trying to hold him closer; his are on either side of my face, holding me still.

It’s never felt like this before. It feels so natural. It feels so right. Finny. I finally understand what’s been missing for me all these years.

“Finny?” I say. He stops kissing me slowly and then raises his head more quickly to look down at me. “Yeah?” he breathes.

“I—I don’t have—” he says. “I don’t care,”

“Please, Finny,” I say. I lean up and kiss his neck, right under his ear. He gasps sharply and his body shudders. “Please, Finny,” I whisper between kisses. “Please. Please. Please.”

He looks down at me. “Oh, Autumn,” he says.

“Can I tell you that I love you first?” Finny says. I begin to fall slowly, slowly down.

“I love you,” Finny says in my ear.

“Oh God, I love you.”

“It’s okay, Finny,” I say. “I’m okay.”

I close my eyes and rest my cheek against his.

I think about lying in this room with him, drawing on each other’s backs. I think about sitting next to him on the couch and watching TV. He moans and my arms tighten around him. I think of his hands over mine on the steering wheel. I think...

“I love you too,” I say. “I forgot to tell you.” The tears spill over now, and Finny begins to kiss my eyelids and my forehead again and again.

He rolls off me and holds out his arms.

His arms fold around me and he presses me close. “Like this?” he says. “Yeah,”

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” I ask. “Of course I did,” he says. “You weren’t just saying that because it’s what the guy’s supposed to say?”

“Come on, Autumn,” he says. He makes a sound that isn’t quite a laugh. “I know that you know I’ve been in love with you for forever. You don’t have to pretend.”

“What do you mean by ‘forever’?” I say. “You know. Forever. Since we were, like, what? Eleven?” he asks.

“Yeah, you remember what Donnie Banks said.” “He called me a freak.” “He said, ‘Your girlfriend is a freak,’” Finny says. “And he knew that you didn’t want to be my girlfriend. And that I did.”

“If you didn’t know, then why did you leave me?”

I loved her, but I loved her differently from the way I’ve always loved you.”

“You said—you said that you loved me too.” He’s blushing, and I feel like I might faint. “Yeah,” I say. “I do.” My voice is barely above a whisper and I cannot hide its tremble.

He raises his eyes to mine and I collapse back down on the bed. He wraps his arms around me again and I curl into him. Finny hugs me so tightly that it almost hurts, and then I feel his whole body relax.

He lays his other hand on top on mine and strokes my knuckles with his thumb.

I wake many times. We shift and change positions together; he nuzzles me, I move up against him. He holds my hands, my neck, my face. I dream, I wake, I see him, I sleep.

“But I also feel like I’ve been loyal to something bigger.”

“I wanted something better for you,” Finny says. “That’s why I made you promise not to do it when you were drinking. But really, the idea of you ever doing it with anybody made me mad.

“Then after I found out you guys had broken up, it was hard to see you miserable over him when I was so happy I wanted to pick you up and spin you around,”

It was because loving you from a distance was one thing, but it wouldn’t have been fair to her if I were in love with my best friend.”

God, Autumn, you’re the ideal I’ve judged every other girl by my whole life,”

“You’re funny and smart and weird. I never know what’s gonna come out of your mouth or what you’re gonna do. I love that. You. I love you.”

“And you’re so beautiful,”

“You’re so beautiful.” Finny puts his hand under my chin and turns me to face him. He looks me in the eye. “Last night was the best thing that ever happened to me,

We’re together now. Right?” “Of course.”

“I never, ever thought this would happen,” he says. “And then you say ‘of course’ like it’s the most natural thing in the world.” “Doesn’t it feel like it?”

“I think my mother has a special bottle of champagne hidden away for just this occasion,” Finny says.

“After this,” he says, “things are going to be the way they were always supposed to be.”

It begins to rain.

“Finny?” I say. There is silence. “Oh, Autumn,” my mother says.

On August 8, Phineas Smith died, and I can imagine every detail of that night.

If he had been with me, Finny would still be alive.