If He Had Been with Me

by Laura Nowlin

He smiles, and out of the corner of my eyes, I see The Mothers’ cameras flash. That was the picture they framed.

“You need me a lot, and it’s more than I can handle. You’re depressed all the time—”

“You’ve always been like this. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Sasha and I have discovered that we have feelings for each other.”

“You should go now. There isn’t anything else to say. You guys are assholes and that’s it.”

wants you to know that she’s sorry. She wants to talk to you, but she’s going to wait for you to call her.” “I’m not going to call her. You can go ahead and tell her that.” I stand and start toward the door. “We really hope someday we can all be friends again,”

“Jamie,” I say, “since you’re the one breaking up with me, I think I should get to have the last word. And I want you to know that I will never, ever be your friend again.”

“What about Brooke?” “Jamie’s cousin?

“Angie—” “Is gonna go into labor pretty soon now, Mom.”

“Finny’s coming over.” “What?”

“I’m sorry they made you do this,” I say. “Who?” Finny says. “The Mothers.” He shakes his head. “They didn’t,” he says. “It was my idea.”

“Finny, I really don’t want to go anywhere today,” I say. Finny grabs my arm and pulls me up. “Hey!” I say.

“We’re going to get ice cream,” Finny says. “I’m being kidnapped,” I say.

“And do you know what Jamie said? He said I ‘needed him too much.’”

“You’re better off without them. You know that, right?” he says.

I cry myself to sleep again but not just for Jamie this time.

“I’m on your side,” he says.

“Finny, you hold her,” I say.

“Is there anything sexier than a guy holding a baby?” Angie says, and even this does not bring me to my senses. “Nope,” I say,

I eat my burger before it gets cold. Finny eats all of his fries first, then starts on the burger. I leave half of mine behind and wrap it in the foil before dropping it back in the bag. Curled up in my seat facing Finny, I watch him eat in the half-light. The radio is playing quietly. It would be kinda romantic if we were together.

At moments like this, it amazes me that the words don’t come tumbling out of me. I can feel them in my mouth like three smooth pebbles. I can feel them there when I swallow and when I breathe.

What he did say—to me at least—was it bothered him that his two best friends hardly knew each other.

I had been ready to protest, but when he called me his best friend, I was too pleased.

“You okay?” Finny whispers. I nod, and my forehead rubs against him. He pulls away from me. Mortified, I quickly lift my head and look back at the screen. And I feel Finny put his arm around my shoulders.

“Seriously?” Jack says. He makes a face and holds his hands up. “She’s not even—um—” “Half as pretty as me? Yeah, I know.” Jack laughs out loud. “Well, you’re modest.”

“If you’re not serious about this, then don’t mess with his head. He and Sylvie aren’t always good together, but it’s better than him obsessing over you again.”

Finny hadn’t kissed me just because he wanted to see what it was like to kiss a girl; he really had liked me.

“Has he said something to you?” “No. He says you guys are just friends. But he said that last time, and it still took him forever to get over you,” Jack says.

“Of course not. And it’s not like that with us anyway.”

We fell asleep on his bed again.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “We used to even get sick together and I ruined it all.”

“I love you,” I say to him, so quietly that even I cannot hear it.

“Your mother told me about Jamie,” he says after a while. The name startles me. “Oh, yeah,” I say. “It’s not that big of a deal.” “Is that why you’re upset?” “What? I’m not upset.” “You’re not upset?” “No,” I say. “I’m fine.”

I’ll wait for Finny to call me first. The afternoon passes.

“What do you mean by ‘again’? Who ever said we had a fight the first time? Maybe sometimes people stop spending time together and it doesn’t mean anything.”

On the sixth day, I call him. He doesn’t answer.

I’ve managed to ruin everything again.

“Do you remember when you punched Donnie Banks?” I say. “Of course I do.” “He said I was a freak.” “You weren’t a freak. You were the only cool girl at school.”

“Memory isn’t objective, right?” “I guess so,” I say, and for the first time I’m wondering what else might be different from Finny’s point of view.

Finny takes my right hand off the wheel and places it on the gearshift.

“She’s not who I want to be with,” he says “She’s not—that’s all.”

“Why are you smiling?” Finny says to me. “I don’t love Jamie,” I say, and I laugh because it sounds so funny to say. “I’m glad that you’re happy,” Finny says.

It was another moment when one of us could have said something, could have given us time, but neither of us did.

I want him to break up with Sylvie. I don’t want to watch him fall for another girl. I want him to be in love with me. Like a movie montage I can’t stop, scenes from the summer fly through my mind, moments when I thought, maybe, just maybe—

“I finished the novel,” I say, and I start to cry.

“Who cares if Jamie called me?” My voice is shrill. “Who cares about Jamie?” Finny grins. I start to cry again. He pulls me into another hug. “You don’t understand,” I say into his chest.

“I know,” he says. His voice is soothing; I close my eyes. “But I can’t wait to read it,” he says.

“Okay,” I say. “You can read it after dinner.”

they finally admit that they would rather ruin their perfect love trying to make it work because being unhappy together is better than being unhappy apart. And then Izzy and Aden are finally able to let each other go. And that’s the last line of my novel.

“Why did you have to leave me like that?” he says.