Just Like Mother

by Anne Heltzel

As an adult, I have realized that the biggest mistakes usually aren’t intentional so much as idiotic and tragically avoidable.

We can all reinvent ourselves. But who we were as kids never really leaves us.

“A lot of women who give babies up for adoption do. Maybe they don’t regret their decision to bring a kid into the world, but some might regret needing to make that decision at all. And other women … women I’ve met who weren’t sure it was worth it, giving up their careers and lives for this whole other path they chose to follow because everyone said they should, not because they truly wanted it. Those women love their kids, sure. Still, they sometimes find themselves mourning another life they can never reclaim.

This was my favorite part—the not-fucking. The fucking itself, it was a means to an end.

“Men aren’t babysitters of their own children,” Emily told me. “They shouldn’t be rewarded for providing equal or more child care. Micah’s contribution to Henry’s upbringing shouldn’t be notable. And if Micah isn’t useful as a parent … well then…” She shrugged. “What’s the point?”

But you know, the mere act of not wanting a baby is wrong. It’s almost akin to rejecting ourselves, because we have to reject a fundamental part of our womanhood in order to reject having children.”

“I want that.” Just not your version of that. More like a cute one bedroom apartment and a nice nest egg, and sure, maybe a partner, if the right one came along. But maybe not.

“Dedication is its own kind of passion. And it’s way more useful in the long run.”

I don’t think a man is the answer to all my problems. I don’t want to be less happy just for the sake of not being alone.”

“I would invite you up, but…” “Nah,” he said, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek and reaching over to open my door for me. “You’ve had a lot to drink. Besides, some things get better with anticipation.

It did discriminate, though, I realized. It celebrated womanhood only as it pertained to a working uterus. It excluded trans and nonbinary people, men, people who couldn’t have kids or didn’t want to.