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My eyes flicker up to the black sky above. There’s nothing there, just an endless black void. And as I stare into the void of darkness, I find myself feeling envious of something inanimate.
Time is meaningless as it passes between us, him falling out, and me tracing every exposed inch of skin I can reach,
“It’s changing me. I don’t like who I am. This… I’m lost. Questioning everything, including myself for the first time, and it hurts.” “I’m betraying you.” This part hurts worst of all, but I just have to say the words—just once so they’re out there, and I never have to think them again.
There’s being honest because it needs to be said, and then there’s being honest for no goddamn reason. Some things don’t need to be spoken into existence. Once words are said, you can’t take them back. They’re forever etched into existence, and I refuse to risk that. Some things are better left unsaid.
“Don’t fucking talk, Dominik. Just don’t fucking… talk… because when you talk, all I can do is stare at those fucking lips and remember the, apparently, inevitable beginning of this mess when I couldn’t resist them.”
I’m damned to the deepest pits of hell for every choice I’ve made—and I’ll go willingly as long as I get to always have this.
My heart shatters, splintering off into microscopic pieces—all of which imbed into my muscles, my organs, anything within reach. The pain lances through my nervous system, frying it at such a degree, it completely disintegrates everything, leaving me with phantom aches—like I’m missing a limb, though it was never my limb to lose. Just one I wanted but was never mine to take.
No one has ever felt this good under my hands. Dominik fits into me in every impossible way. Now we’re here—this. Irreparably broken with no way out because the damage is done, completely irreversible.
Hopelessness spirals. Grieving unfolds. Guilt multiplies. His wet, retched sobs absorb into me through our connected flesh. My heart constricts, squeezing tighter and tighter as the seconds tick by, bringing me closer to a death I never realized I was plummeting towards.
“You’re so goddamn destructive to everyone around you, you don’t even see the damage you cause until the storm passes and the only thing left is a clear path of your nuclear devastation.”
“I got lost in it all, and I fucking fell so deep into his endless abyss, there was no way out other than to claw my way through the trenches before I died, too. But now I’m thinking I already did.
“You were destined to love, to feel. And you ended up getting the shit end of all of those. You got a broken heart. You got a life full of endless pain.
The allusive darkness of the night surrounding us feels a little less opaque with his crystal clear gaze seeing me and me only. For the first time in years, I see a way out of the storm, out of the chaos I’ve directed myself into.
