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I was mildly annoyed that he wasn’t here. But his panicked texting was also weirdly endearing and I was in love with him. So fuck.
“It just would have been great to be able to say ‘Hi, Miles, fuck you, my life is great.’” Oliver gave a sort of half laugh. “You could still have said it.” “Yeah, but I’d have had no proof.” “You’re proof.”
“They’ll expect a gift.” Oliver smiled. “Then get them a toast rack and put a note in it asking when he’s going to pay back the fifty thousand pounds he owes you.”
Which meant it was way easier to say Spank me, Daddy, which we both knew I didn’t mean, than Hold me, I love you, which I definitely
“What are you—” I started as I found myself manoeuvred onto the table. “I’m showing you how much I like you.” Argh. Help. My feelings. I made a valiant attempt not to melt everywhere. “I’ll feel bad if we damage this table.” “Really?” he asked. “I won’t care in the slightest.”
“Yeah, that or massive celebrities.” Well, fuck. “How massive?” I asked, with a sinking feeling. “I was mostly joking,” said Tom. “Okay, I get that, but how massive?”
I’d texted ahead so I’d expected Oliver to be expecting me. What I hadn’t expected was for him to be standing in the hall in full black tie holding a blue-velvet jewellery box.
And when I’m defensive, I’m sarcastic.” “And I love you anyway, Lucien.” “Yeah, yeah,” I muttered. “I love you too.”
If they love it, they will always—” “Oh, shut up, Oliver.” I pushed him down on the bed and straddled him.
making aggressive moves at the guests. A hapless second cousin had to snatch her child out of its way.
one evening we were out on his yacht and he laughed so hard, he fell overboard and was eaten by a shark.
After the vows came the rings, ably presented by Tom’s best-man-slash-brother Mike who, unlike the rest of the male guests, had chosen to rock a rose-gold suit and was kind of putting the rest of us to shame.
You may kiss the bride if you want to be disgustingly American about the whole thing.” To nobody’s surprise they did,
I was regretting having made my notes with one of Oliver’s fancy fountain pens. It had felt very grown-up at the time,
“To Tom and Bridge. Who are also great.” There was one of those silences you don’t ever want to hear during a speech. “To Tom and Bridget,” said Oliver firmly. “Who are also great.” “To Tom and Bridget, who are also great,” the room dutifully echoed. And I sat down faster than I had ever sat down in my life. “Well done.” Oliver leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.
Putting a hand to my jaw, he turned my head towards Bridget, who was gazing across the table, misty-eyed and doing heart-hands at me. “I love you,” I mouthed. “I love you too,” she mouthed back. And I absolutely did not cry.
“You could never embarrass me.” I put my arms around his neck and kissed him. And for just one moment it wasn’t Bridget’s day—it was mine, and his, and ours.
“If this is about the deer…” I began. “No, no. Fully acknowledge that the deer was a cruel hoax.” I made a frustrated noise at the back of my throat. “It wasn’t a hoax. It was a joke.” “Luc”—Alex folded his arms—“I don’t think it’s at all funny to mock a deer with a serious disability.” “There. Was. No. Deer.”
And if you’re going to be insensitive, I’m not going to invite you to my wedding.” The old me would have thought if I ever needed encouragement to be insensitive, this was it. And, frankly, the new me thought the same. “You’re getting married?” I asked. Alex’s sleepy eyes flashed shock at me. “How do you know?” Oh, for fuck’s sake. “You
If it helps, Luc didn’t like me either.” “I like you now,” I protested. Oliver laughed. “I should bloody well hope so. It’s been two years.”
“I’m not sure any newspapers would want to pay for my sex life.” “Hey”—I poked him in the shoulder—“don’t do yourself down. You’re a saucy legal stud, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”
“Fine. You’re a better gay than me.” “It’s not a competition, Lucien,” he said loftily. “But. Yes. Yes I am.”
Did you get what you needed?” I sighed. “Honestly, I’m not sure what that would even have been. Unless you count Miles pooing himself on the way to the altar.” “Would that not just have been quite unpleasant for everybody?” “Well, yes, but then years from now I could look back and say, ‘Sure, he fucked me over and turned our whole life into a jagged, broken lie, but he still took a massive dump in his pants at his own wedding.’”
“But,” Miles went on cheerfully, “it’s great to know we can be friends now.” Wait. What?
Reaching out, I patted Miles companionably on the shoulder. “Let’s be clear,” I told him, trying to match his air of casual mateyness. “I’m glad you’re happy. You and JoJo seem like you’ll be great together. But we are never going to be friends because you will always be the guy who sold me out for the price of a Toyota Supra.” Then I leaned in, kissed him on his beardy cheek, turned around, and left the wedding.
“Pleased to hear it. Wouldn’t want to call a chap a chap when a chap was actually a chapess. Fearfully bad form to go around mis-chapping chaps, isn’t it?”
He’s JoJo Ryan.” “Who is?” I prompted. “Who is here to see somebody who works for CRAPP, and frankly, Luc, I think it’s very selfish of you to want to keep our visitor all to yourself.”
“Lovely to meet you, JoJo. Always nice to meet a fellow influencer.” I sighed. “You’re not an influencer, Rhys.”
“Your aunt was an exotic dancer?” “Oh yes. Very tasteful, minimal nudity.” I wasn’t going to ask. I wasn’t going to ask. I wasn’t going to ask. “What does minimal nudity look like?” “Honestly, Luc.” Rhys gave me a look of admonition. “Asking a man what his aunt looks like naked is low even for you.”
And some days, I could lure him with my wiles into a more Luc-friendly set of activities. Like cuddling and/or blow jobs.
I found Oliver on his knees on the kitchen floor—and not in a fun way.
“You are not that kind of person. You just worry you might be every time somebody likes you.” That was at once reassuring and embarrassing. “Stop knowing me,” I whined.
But you should know that I am yours, more truly than I have ever been anyone’s. Because when I’m with you, I’m me. Not someone I think I should be. And I’ll be with you, however you want, for as long as you’ll have me.”
“We should get married.”
He turned up exactly on time with Baby J strapped to his chest, making him look like the world’s most wholesome kidnapper. “Do you two ever put him down?” I asked. He blinked at me exactly once. “Yes. Just not in the middle of London.” That was fair.
Oh, fuck me with a rusty coat hanger covered in sriracha sauce.
“Mum!” I cried, then whispered, “Oliver and I are getting married, and he thinks I’ve already told you,” desperately into her ear.
“Yes,” said Oliver, as he de-spanielled the sofa. “My refusal to drink milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”
To be honest, I only brought it up now so that I could tell Oliver before I told you so you would know how it feels.” She paused. “It does not feel good, does it, Luc?” I sighed. “No, it doesn’t feel good. I’m really sorry.”
“Oliver,” I said. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. But you’re the most amazing, gorgeous, sexy man I have ever been allowed to do depraved things to. And I don’t think that’s ever going to change. Even when we’re married and we’ve both stopped trying and you’re, like, seventy-five with nose hair.”
“I do know you’re not judging me. I just find it very hard not to judge myself.”
but I nearly drowned and lost anything that might have resembled dignity. “Are you all right?” Oliver ask-laughed, as I spluttered back to the surface. I spat out half the bath. “Fine. Lungs are overrated.”
Ana with one n was getting the what-have-I-got-myself-into look that I sometimes saw on Rhys’s girlfriends shortly after they met the rest of us. “Fuck me. That is genuinely horrific.”
“Do you think,” asked Rhys, with the air of a man about to combust his relationship, “that they’d gnaw through the belly or crawl up through the arse?”
Fuck it. “Or you’ll what? I don’t work here. And the next time we meet, you won’t even remember this conversation, so the way I see it, I have no reason to stand around and put up with your bullshit.” Justice Mayhew’s face was turning exciting shades of crimson.
“In all my days,” he said, “I have never.” “I’m sure you haven’t. Now if you’ll excuse me, I don’t have time for you right now.”
“So…are we…are we good?” “Always,” he said. And then he stepped over the little maze wall to kiss me.
“Oh, and Dad…” He shot one last look at his father. “Go fuck yourself.”
“Luc’s lovely.” “No he’s not. He’s a complete wanker.”
“At the moment, Lucien, all I care about is being with you.”
