Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village

by Maureen Johnson

The Village Shop It sells cheese, stamps, tea, and death.

The Village Pond Those ducks didn’t get fat on bread.

The Police Station It’s just a mug of tea in a cupboard.

sadly, a village is the sum of its people. Eliminate the people and the problem is gone. Except that the problem is largely the elimination of people.

The Gardener The roses are perfect because of all the people under them.

Funerals There are a lot of these. They may seem safe because the death has already happened, but there is often a “since we’ve already dug a hole” spirit about these events. Locals have learned to economize.

The Stairs They are the xylophones of death.

Chimneys Orphan storage.

The aristocracy have three passions: inbreeding, collecting stolen artifacts, and engaging in recreational violence.