Sirens & Muses

by Antonia Angress

How was it possible to love something so much when you were alone with it only to hate it as soon as other people saw it?

But Karina knew that it wasn’t enough to be excellent—you had to maintain that excellence over time, you had to make sure no one forgot about it, and most of all, you had to make it appear effortless.

She was so lonely sometimes she thought it might turn her feral,

Because even though she found him intelligent and attractive, she didn’t adore him. And that, she knew, was the most important thing: to care less than the other person did.

She didn’t know how to explain that she wanted to amount to more than her mother had, that she was hungry, hungrier than Mom had ever been. That home wasn’t enough anymore, that she feared it would snuff out the small flame she’d managed to stoke inside herself. That what she craved wasn’t the well-worn love of her family, but the flinty indifference of the unknown, that it was a kind of inspiration, that it had fueled the best work of her life so far. That she wanted to see what it had to offer her now.

There was a part of her that wanted to scream and cry and claw at things, and another, heavier part of her that was keeping her pinned to the bed.

She was overwhelmed by a deep disgust toward herself, by the certainty that she was worthless, that no one loved or valued her.

“Are you going to be okay, though?” And she’d said yes, because what other choice did she have?

But it was all too much, everything she had to do to get from where she was to where she wanted to be.

“I mean that the kid’s been labeled creative. Now he’s gonna go through life thinking that that’s the only way for him to be, and if it turns out he’s not—for any number of fucking reasons, like hell, maybe life just gets in the way, or maybe the test was a fluke and he’s only in, you know, the sixtieth percentile, or maybe he is creative, but it doesn’t get him anywhere—then he’ll think he’s a failure. He’ll feel like he wasted his entire life trying to live up to a standardized test he took when he was thirteen.”

He felt ill. Sick of himself, of inhabiting his own mind and body.

“I think it’s easy, when…when you’re neglecting your own happiness, to inadvertently neglect the happiness of the people you love. It’s sort of like you think you’re being selfless or self-sacrificial or something, but really you’re just sowing misery everywhere you go.

Karina didn’t know what to do about the impulses warring inside her. She wanted to keep Louisa close and to push her away. She needed her and she couldn’t stand the thought of needing anyone. She was, she understood, deeply in love. It was wonderful and it was miserable.