If This Gets Out

by Sophie Gonzales

Beside me, Zach slumps back to close his eyes, and his arm presses against mine with the shift in posture. I don’t think I breathe again for the rest of the drive.

“Yeah but he’s my—Ruben.”

STOP

pressing a hand on my chest to ward me away. He’s straight, I remind the butterflies that flutter to life in my stomach.

but for now, Zach needs a second to regain his balance. And as long as he’s leaning on me like this, soft and warm, with the sweet, heady scent of his cologne drifting around us, I’m in no rush at all.

this is so cute

“Shh!” I say, and I press my hand over his mouth. I did it instinctively, and now I’m right beside him, with my hand on his lips. And they’re really soft. I’m staring him down, and he’s not flinching—actually, his dark eyes are level with mine, like he’s in total control. Like it’s not even a question that he’s in charge, even with my hand over his mouth.

My attention is drawn to his lips. It’s clearly been way too long since I’ve kissed someone, since now all I’m thinking about is the feeling of them against my palm.

I smile to myself and start composing my reply. I know I’m supposed to be sleeping, but sleep can wait. If I’m a little tired tomorrow, is it the end of the world?

“Zach,” I say, as clearly as I can. “You’re beautiful. Like, actually beautiful.”

“Wait, did you … want to?” It takes so long for him to answer, I wonder if he means to at all. Then, his voice achingly soft, he breathes, “Yeah.”

When I kiss him, a small sound catches in his throat, and I think I might pass out. I open my mouth and kiss him harder, and I’m breathing in his exhale like it’s my oxygen.

Kissing him is a key change colliding with a crescendo.

The thing about your dreams coming true is that, for a gold-spun moment, you catch a glimpse of what life could be like. Then when you lose it, and you crash back to reality, it’s from such a great height, all you can do is lie there, winded and bruised, while you come to terms with the idea that a happiness like that isn’t meant for you.

oh.

It never was.

There’s no way his thoughts are as consumed by me as mine are by him.

Once you’ve learned shame, it settles into your skin like a tattoo. You can cover it up but you can’t scrub off the sense of inadequacy.

“Right.” He leans back. “Well, that’s never gonna happen with me.” “That’s not true. It already did.”

“You wanna double-check?”

“What’d you do? Hook up with a prostitute? I’ve got it, you shoplifted, didn’t you?” “What? No, nothing like that.” “Damn,” he says, then he peers at me. “Holy shit, you like guys?” Well, that’s one way for this to go down. “Um, yeah, actually. I’m bi.” “Called it,”

“We don’t have to or anything,” he says. “But for the record, if you asked me, I’d say yes.” “If you asked me, I’d say yes, too. For the record.” That hangs between us. “That settles it, then,” he says, grinning. “We both want it, so one of us just needs to ask the other.” “Yeah. Do you want it to be me, or do you want to do it?”

i cant they are too cute.

the way his eyes locked onto me, and saw me above all the noise.

“They took my name from me! And you think they’re going to let you come out on your own fucking terms?

Stop

I’m not ashamed of crying, I’m just sick of it.

“You know we’re done after this, right? I don’t want anything to do with you. We’re done.”

what.the.f.

I wish it felt like a victory. It doesn’t, though. Not even close.

How am I supposed to get off this plane alone, and go home without him, and fall asleep without his scent on my pillow, and wake up to only the echo of the symphony we made together?

im crying.

They will never let us come out, Zach. Ever.”

“Sacrifices are supposed to be things like missing out on parties, and being away from your family for longer than you want to be. Not losing yourself.”

I think I’ve just destroyed us. And I don’t know how to undo it.

So maybe Ruben didn’t say he was going to break up with me over this, at least not now, but he opened the door.

STOP THIS RN.

Good riddance.

Gracie

No matter what happens, you’ll never be alone,

“Why pick neutral when you have the whole rainbow?”

I smile and lift my mic to start the first verse, Zach’s hand still in mine.

“He’s fine,” Angel says, waving a hand. “Ruben gave him mouth-to-mouth.”