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“Now, when we get out, you’ll meet Dev, your new handler, and he’ll coach you through the entrance ceremony.”
I think he wants to handle something else wink wonk
He doesn’t hate it as a general rule, but he does prefer advance warning and for hand sanitizer to be involved.
Ocd rep we need
Dev leans in even closer. His breath is hot on Charlie’s cheek. He smells like sugar and chocolate and something else Charlie can’t quite place.
“I’m going to touch you again,” Dev warns,
I wanna touch you
“You’re doing fucking spectacular!” Dev tells him as the cameras get ready to move inside for Charles’s welcome speech to the gathered women. Charles blushes and smiles down at his feet in response, like this is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him.
I could help you find love.”
He gives Charlie a breezy smile. “I know I can make you fall in love.”
He tries to refocus on things that calm him: Excel spreadsheets, quiet libraries, one-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzles, 90-degree angles.
I love ocd and autism
“It was…” Exhausting? Demoralizing? Briefly painful and consistently confusing? “Fine.”
And Dev…” His boss looks at him, her tone losing a bit of its usual sweetness. “Charm him.”
Oh he will
Behind them, a group gets up to leave, and Charlie scrunches his shoulders, becomes as small as possible to avoid being bumped by their swinging purses. Under the table, Charlie’s leg presses even more firmly against Dev’s, and he can feel Charlie trembling in the place where their bodies meet. He thinks about the crowded patio and the noise and all the germs. Under the table, Dev reaches out and puts a hand on Charlie’s knee to steady him. He can feel Charlie relax by a few degrees beneath his fingers.
So cute oh my god
Charlie doesn’t tell Dev it’s the best date he’s had, period.
something terrible happened with her current girlfriend or boyfriend or whoever she’s hooking up with at the moment—but
Yasssss i love a bisexual queen
Charlie’s blush is conveniently concealed behind the lavender cream. “Dev is not trying to—” He stops, wonders if Dev is still awake on the other side of the wall.
“I like most of the women, honestly.” Parisa makes a highly suggestive hand gesture. “Not like that,” he snaps. Then, evasively, “I should go. I need to wash my face.” “Take me with you,” she demands. He huffs and carries the phone into the bathroom. “You don’t have crushes on any of the women?” He props the phone behind the sink and turns on the water. “I didn’t come here for crushes. I came here to show the world I’m nice and normal so I can work again. Work is what matters.”
“Here. Do you mind?” Dev bends over to pick up the towel Charlie dropped, and his shirt slides up in the back, revealing the sharp points of his spine. He stands, and his bare skin disappears again. Dev turns on the sink to wet the corner of the towel, then reaches up to dab the lingering face mask from Charlie’s temple. Charlie holds his breath. Remains as still as possible. “You smell good,” Dev says when he’s done, setting the towel next to the sink. “Like…” He gets close to Charlie’s face and sniffs. His nose grazes the edge of Charlie’s jaw, and Charlie feels a nauseous lift below his rib
...more
“Are you going to freak out every time I touch you now?” “I already freak out when you touch me.” Dev’s mouth slides open before promptly snapping shut. “That… that came out wrong. I didn’t mean…” Charlie feels the sweat gather on the back of his neck, and he pivots, hard. “Why did you and Ryan break up?”
Charlie would politely disagree; Ryan looks like a pirate who is going to try to upsell you rental car insurance, some befuddling blend of scruffy and preppy that almost disguises the fact that he’s rather boring to look at. Dev’s face is never boring.
Charlie isn’t sure what happens next. It feels like they should be talking, but instead they’re just staring, and any second now, Dev is going to realize Charlie is a terrible drinking buddy.
“Why would you want to read it?” “Because you wrote it.”
(This is definitely about the stain and only the stain, and not about what happened before the stain, when Dev stood between his legs, and Charlie’s entire body ignited.)
“Yeah. Why?” He chews on his thumbnail. “Do you think Angie is a better fit for him?” Jules sighs and reaches over to scratch his arm. “Sure, Dev. That’s what I think.”
Girl she knows
Come back to me, he would scream. Don’t lock yourself up again.
It’s right. It’s the way things are supposed to be. Charlie is their prince, and Daphne is the perfect princess, and this is all how it’s supposed to go. So why does Dev feel like everything is terribly wrong?
Cause you wish you were daphne girl
An image rises to the surface of his mind. He’s sixteen, meeting Josh Han in their dorm room for the first time, lingering on a handshake. Then he thinks about his brothers, the names they used to call him when he cried about dirt and germs, the hateful words his father used to say, until he learned to only cry on the inside, and maybe he learned to repress it before he ever knew what “it” was.
“Whoa.” Dev slides back into his seat. “What are you spiraling about right now?” “I’m not spiraling.” “I know your spiral face.” “Well, stop knowing my spiral face.”
Gay
Dev works himself up into a frenzy of passion, his arms flailing and his eyes shining brightly. In this moment, in this light, his eyes remind Charlie of the dark wood Mendini violin he played in his high school orchestra, almost black around the strings, a well-loved umber brown on the edges of the lower bout. He loved that secondhand violin.
Comparing him to this well loved violin is gonna make me cry
Drinks and dancing and Dev sounds like an unbelievably dangerous combination.
Charlie stares at his bare chest, at the waistband of his boxers, his eyes sliding all the way down Dev’s legs. There’s something about Charlie’s enormous gray eyes that makes Dev’s skin come to life under his gaze.
He could cover Dev like a duvet. And that thought—that thought right there—is why Dev needs to have sex tonight.
always.” “Well, you look very beautiful,” Charlie says with the same sincerity. His earnestness seems to dissolve some of her usual cynicism. Jules shyly looks down at her feet. “Thanks, Charlie.” Something unpleasant in Dev’s chest, but he swallows it down with vodka, puts on a smile. “Shall we?”
Dev strutting around, wearing Charlie’s clothes. The sight of Dev in his oversize jean jacket makes Charlie feel… something he can’t quite name.
Charlie doesn’t say anything. He watches Dev press the pad of his thumb against his bottom lip. Charlie imagines his thumb, Dev’s lip, and the gentle pressure it would take to coax his mouth open. He’s losing it a bit, and they haven’t even started drinking.
“Okay, Dev. Let’s find you a man.” Charlie’s stomach folds in half.
Too busy to think about repressed feelings or Dev’s mouth.
Charlie needs Dev touching him.
Dev wishes Angie and Daphne were here right now, wishes all the women could witness this, because it would be impossible not to fall in love with this version of Charlie.
Dev needs to push him away again. Dev is going to push Charlie away again. In, like, five seconds, he will totally stop this.
he’s still the same old Charlie. (Except now he’s a Charlie who was brave enough to kiss a person he likes but is still too much of a coward to admit it.)
He’s so unbelievably happy to see her. His real family doesn’t give a shit about his birthday, but Parisa—Parisa gives a shit about everything, and she’s here.
Okay im gonna cry
“Dev had me go all over town to find a gluten-free carrot cake, and honestly…” Jules eyes the cake skeptically. “I’m not sure it’s any good.”
“It is absolutely amazing,” Charlie corrects. There’s something about the tone of his voice that makes Dev imagine Charlie’s mouth against his throat. He crosses his legs on the bed.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Charlie whispers. It’s the same thing Charlie said at the club, but he’d drunkenly shouted it at a stranger then. Now he says it quietly, almost shyly, and the words are only for Dev.
Charlie doesn’t want that either. He didn’t come on this show for the stupid fairy tales it sells to gullible people. He doesn’t want a relationship or romance. He doesn’t want someone who kisses him numb and calls him love. He doesn’t.
Bruh yes you do why are gay people so stupid
“Quite frankly, you kissing your producer is the most interesting thing that’s ever happened on this heteronormative cesspool of a shitty television show.”
“That means a lot to me, but…” He puffs out his cheeks and just says it: “What if I maybe do want both parts with Dev?” “Oh.” “But Dev doesn’t want either part with me.” “Seems highly improbable.”
“I can’t explain it, but when I’m kissing Dev, I’m not in my head about it. I don’t feel the pressure to make it work. It just works. And I don’t have to force myself to feel anything. I feel everything.”
Charlie shakes his head. She’s wrong. Dev doesn’t struggle with his mental health. Dev is Dev. He’s always happy, always smiling, always thinking about other people. He usually thrives on set, fluttering around to everyone, helping and chatting and feeding off the energy of it all. He’s the most charming person Charlie’s ever met. That’s not the description of a depressed person.
Oh babe thats exactly how they are
Dev opens his eyes and looks up at Charlie. They’re the color of his perfect violin and filled with tears, and he’s the most beautiful person Charlie’s ever seen, even now.
Most of the time, Dev is like a human bonfire walking around generously warming everyone with his presence. But burning that bright and that fiercely must be exhausting; no one can sustain it forever. Charlie wishes he could tell Dev it’s okay to flicker out sometimes. It’s okay to tend to his own flame, to keep himself warm. He doesn’t have to be everything for everyone else all the time.
