Ghosts

by Dolly Alderton

“I’ve known I’ll be fine. It’s easier, being heartbroken in your thirties, because no matter how painful it is, you know it will pass. I don’t believe one other human has the power to ruin my life any more.”

“I am really fucking alone.”

I wished, selfishly, that I was little again. That I didn’t have to see all the humanity of my otherwise steely mother explode out of her like a geyser.

His soul would always exist somewhere separate and safe. No one and nothing—no disease, no years of ageing—could take that away from him. His soul was indestructible.

“I’ve found everything really difficult recently. And I can’t work out if this is just a tricky period or whether this is what adulthood is now—disappointment and worry.”

“I’m worried I’m not going to live the life I always thought I’d have. I’m worried I have to come up with a new plan.”

I think I’ve created a version of him too. Or maybe that’s all love is. So much is how we perceive someone and the memories we have of them, rather than the facts of who they are. Maybe instead of saying I love you we should say I imagine you.”

“Sort of magic, isn’t it? To know that we could meet the most exciting person in the world, but they’d never be able to recreate the history you and I have. What a unique superpower we have over each other.”

She was so desperate to love someone. It seemed like such a simple, singular thing to ask from this life.

Maybe friendship is being the guardian of another person’s hope. Leave it with me and I’ll look after it for a while, if it feels too heavy for now.”

I close my eyes and think of all the paths that lie ahead, none of which I can see yet. None of which I can plan for, only walk towards with faith. I blow out the candles of my cake for the thirty-third time. Another year begins.