The Yearbook

by Holly Bourne

When I lost Ruby, it wasn’t just the grief of her absence that hurt, but the grief of no longer being understood.

And, despite all this, I, too, longed for the trap of my dad’s love.

Nobody tells you that showing disinterest towards someone is one of the most powerful ways to hurt them. It hurts all the more because it’s subconsciously done. If you despise someone, you still care about them. If someone is choosing to hurt you, at the very least you matter enough for them to notice you and torment you. But disinterest…sometimes invisibility hurts most.

the only way to stay sane is to always argue with somebody else’s story about who they think you are.

Lack of fear isn’t always a sign of a stronger person, it’s often just a sign that someone has an easy life.

I didn’t want to be a waxwork with this boy. I didn’t want to be a moulded smile and unblinking eyes. So I told him the terrifying truth of my tiny life.

“You’re trapped in this endless cycle of wanting more from them, and then hating them for not giving you more, and then feeling guilty and defensive of them, because you love them and don’t want to feel badly about them, so you want them to change, you want more of them…but then the circle starts again…”

Because sometimes just five minutes of a nice storyline can help you through the dense chapters of a nasty one.

But the girl who just wanted her dad to love her… The girl who needed that… The girl who’d been begging to matter since she drew breath… The girl who woke up every morning with hope that this would be the day… That girl? Well, that girl needed to go cry in her room.