Loveless

by Alice Oseman

It was a jarring sort of Oh, God, this thing is actually real, it’s not just in fanfics and movies. And I’m supposed to be doing that too.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.

It would be so much easier if I had someone to just tell me what to do and who to be with and how to act and what love actually was.

wondering why picturing myself in any sort of romantic or sexual situation made me feel like I was going to vom and/or run a mile, while romance in movies felt like the sole purpose of being alive.

I did actually think this was quite cool. I was always a bit envious of people who were super sex-positive and felt comfortable enough to just bang whoever they fancied. I couldn’t even imagine feeling comfortable enough to let someone kiss me, let alone going to an absolute stranger’s home and getting naked.

That sort of made me want to scream. I didn’t know how to know.

In the end, that was the problem with romance. It was so easy to romanticize romance because it was everywhere.

“People are really out there just … thinking about having sex all the time and they can’t even help it?” I spluttered. “People have dreams about it because they want it that much? How the—I’m losing it. I thought all the movies were exaggerating, but you’re all really out there just craving genitals and embarrassment. This has to be some kind of huge joke.”

I wanted to try. I wanted to want to kiss him. But I didn’t actually want to kiss him. But maybe I should do it anyway. But I didn’t want to. But maybe I wouldn’t know until I tried. But I knew that I already knew. I already knew what I felt.

AAAAHHH

And the worst part of it was—even though I’d longed for these things, I knew that they’d never make me happy anyway. The idea was beautiful. But the reality made me sick.

How could I feel so sad about giving up these things that I did not actually want?

Friends are automatically classed as “less important” than romantic partners. I’d never questioned that. It was just the way the world was. I guess I’d always felt that friendship just couldn’t compete with what a partner offered, and that I’d never really experience real love until I found romance.