Luck of the Titanic

by Stacey Lee

Strange feelings press on my heart like cat paws on a windowpane.

Plus, Ba took great pride in being a Londoner, even if the city didn’t take pride in us.

Bottomless shrimp boats are the only thing that get her out of bed.

Ba always said life is for the strong. But I can’t help thinking that he was wrong about that. There are moments to be strong, but there are also moments to be weak. And in those moments of rest, we find strength anew and challenge ourselves to grow bigger than we ever thought possible.

Life is a balancing act, and the better you get at juggling, the better you get at living. But juggling is not an act of holding tight. It’s an act of letting go—of giving the people you love the time and space to find their own orbit. And it’s an act of catching. I’ll always be there for Jamie, just as he’ll always be there for me.

Little Sister, there is much sorrow in your face.

A performance needs practice, or it will fail.

Many ghosts are being stirred up by this crisis. I hope they leave the living alone. There’s too much harm on this boat already.

Inside, a deadly warmth cradles me, as treacherous as a fog of opium.

“I will meet you back at the ‘newlywed’ boat.” Then he brushes his lips against mine, giving me a kiss as sweet as I imagined. And I imagined it quite a bit. And then he’s gone, leaving the sure-footed Valora Luck trying to remember how to work her feet.

I put on a knitted cap and say a prayer that a woman who looks like me will still be worth saving.

“It is not the end of us, Stowaway. Not if I can help it.” I lift my face to Bo’s, and he kisses me with a fierceness that speaks of survival and wishes for a future. A sliver of a smile appears on his face and sears itself into my heart.

“Return it to me.” “I will.”

Unlike in that deserted alleyway, a pulse still beats here, even with the water tearing the place apart like a gang of thieves.

His hunched shoulders seem to loosen. For one so tiny, he sure is casting a heavy shadow.

The ship has laid a wager against the sea, and it’s clear who’s favored to win.

Will there be a line in heaven, too, with the tin plates barred from the table until the gold ones are set?

I can’t help thinking about the proud Captain Smith, whose career will surely plummet with his ship. Even if he lives, there can be no surviving this.

A vision of the shrewd-eyed Reverend Prigg, thundering on about how God saves the righteous, inserts itself into my head. But if that’s truly the case, why are those people—most lowly immigrants just like us—screaming so loud, I swear even the stars pale at the cry?

It sounds as if a giant pair of hands has taken ahold of the ship and twisted her in the middle, slowly breaking her apart. Everything in me comes to a crashing halt—muscle, blood, breath.

The screams had tapered off, but they begin anew, as if everyone still aboard that doomed ship has taken a collective breath, filling their lungs for a fresh wave of torture.

Let this nightmare be over soon, and may all wake in the finest first-class sheets, whether on this earth or in heaven.

We kick with all the jelly left in our jars, powering forward as if heaven is closing her gates right in front of us, and the flames of hell are licking our behinds.

Enough. A soft, treacherous word. A word that means stop, rest. A word that means you’ve done everything, but makes you doubt it all the same.

In my heart, I know he’s nearly gone. But I sing a song to keep him near.

Ba’s spirit had long flown away by the time I found him, but Jamie’s lingers. As tears blur my vision, I feel him hover, shielding me from the cold for as long as he can.

Heaven is thick with dandelion seeds, close enough to touch.

Troubled by all she has seen and felt, the whale turns into a bird, whose wings churn the water. And when that great seabird meets the wind, I feel my spirit take flight.

As I understand, there are exceptions for students in the Exclusion Act. But my dearest, even if that path does not open for me, as long as there are stars in the sky, I will look for the one that leads back to you.