Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Signs That You Need Boundaries You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentment toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself.

I knew I’d grown when I wrote back, “This is not my job. And it’s not your job either.” After many years of trying to save the same person, I quit. It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At that moment, I was proud of my boundaries and how far I’ve come in my ability to honor them. Through trial and error, I’ve learned, “If you don’t like something, do something about it.” I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.

Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication. Healthy boundaries look like Being clear about your values Listening to your own opinion Sharing with others appropriately Having a healthy vulnerability with people who’ve earned your trust Being comfortable saying no Being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally

Defensive people aren’t listening while you’re talking; they’re personalizing what you say and crafting a response. Their response has much more to do with them than it does with you. They are focused only on getting their needs met and resisting any change in your dynamic.

Simply put, relationships without boundaries are dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage. They operate mostly based on the assumption that something “magical” will happen to turn it all around. But hoping that our relationships will repair themselves out of nowhere is a long shot at best.