Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Through trial and error, I’ve learned, “If you don’t like something, do something about it.” I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

The truth is that unhealthy boundaries will follow you wherever you go unless you learn to verbalize them.

We tolerate unhealthy boundaries because we don’t understand our feelings, and we fail to notice the discomfort. We see that something is “off,” but we’re unaware of what is causing the discomfort.

Our biggest fear is that we’ll lose people, so we tolerate boundary issues to maintain our relationships.

Enmeshment prevents us from establishing a sense of individuality. It leads us to believe that we are responsible for how others feel, so we protect and shield them from what we perceive as undesirable outcomes. But meeting the emotional needs of a parent is not a job for a child.

If you’ve reached a boundary-breaking point, however, you can practice what to say, which will help you assertively deliver your expectations without yelling or “being rude.”

These fears are often significant enough that people-pleasers would rather suffer in relationships without limits than face their fears.

It’s vital not to take ownership of how others treat you or to make excuses for their behavior. How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.

Boundaries are assertive steps that you take verbally and behaviorally to create a peaceful life.

Sometimes compromises won’t work, and both parties have to agree to maintain separate boundaries and accept the other person’s stance on the matter.

Also, boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you.

It’s a boundary issue because we lack the willingness to tell ourselves no to whatever we want. But it’s dangerous to say yes to every urge without limits. This doesn’t happen because we want to damage ourselves, but because we lack healthy self-boundaries.

Shouting is a choice you make to display that you’re mad. Yet plenty of angry people make the choice to cry, take deep breaths, walk away, or phone a friend to process their feelings. You can decide how you want to deal with uncomfortable feelings and experiences.

When you don’t keep your word to yourself, you are engaging in self-sabotage, self-betrayal, or people-pleasing.