The Not-Outcast

by Tijan

I guess, when I think about it, a lot of things this past year only happened in my head.

The truth is, I didn’t, but it was because everyone knew Chad was my brother. He’d told them not to befriend me. He was trying to protect me. At least in my head that’s what he was doing.

I mean, yeah, I spent time with my dad. That was super, über cool, you know? We had meals together, or some meals. We had meals in the beginning together. After a while, not so much. He kinda stopped talking to me toward the end. Except snapping. He liked to snap a lot.

I loved Cut. I think I loved him all my life.

If you know, you know. If you don’t, that’s cool. That meant you’re blessed.

I was a bit delusional that year.

All moms hugged their kids, right…?

We weren’t going to tone down our awesomeness because of their insecurities.

It was my last day on my medication vacation.

I thought he’d known me in high school, but that turned out to be a result of some slight delusions from my undiagnosed hyper disorder,

I was looking. I wasn’t seeing anyone. “You need to be more specific. Who am I looking—” I was looking, scanning, and bam. I saw her. Hol—holy fuck. Like, seriously holy fuck. It was like I was being slammed into the glass by five guys all at once, and they were giving me enough space as they were moving off of me. When suddenly, the rest of their team, one by one, all started checking me. Bam. Bam. Bam! That’s how it felt, because ho-lee fuuuuck. This girl was seriously hot. Not like hot hot. She was hawt hot.

Long legs that you could tell were toned and shaped under whatever the fuck kind of skirt that was, and her top—I had to take a second to compose myself. I stopped breathing for a

minute. I had no clue what kind of twisted top she was wearing, but all I knew was that it was black leather and it wrapped around her torso in a way that caused my dick to weep. I wanted to be that fucking leather. I wanted to peel it off her, and watch her spin around as I uncovered each layer, and discover whatever secret shit she was wearing underneath. A bodysuit? A thong? Nothing? I wanted to see her nipples. I wanted to sink three fingers inside of her as my hello, then push her back against the wall and drop my mouth over hers. That’s exactly how I wanted to introduce myself to her. Then maybe I’d tell her my name before asking hers.

What an introduction

The guy was standing by my girl. She’d learn. So would he. Everyone in the room would learn. I was about to claim her in a big fucking way.

Whatever it was, something fell in place and this girl was really mine. She saw it now, too. Past lives, maybe? I didn’t know, but it felt right and I should’ve been weirded out about how right it felt, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to feel that way.

I’d been in love with Cut Ryder since high school, but he had no clue. Not one. What I did know was that he didn’t remember me because I knew I didn’t look the same. I mean, my eyes were the same. Who could forget my eyes? Well, someone who never noticed them before. And come to think about it, there was only one time he looked at me. One time that I know about.

My upbringing wasn’t normal, and that statement was an understatement.

Things were calmer for me, for my head, and that was my biggest relationship in my life.

Prioritize mental health

Because I wasn’t normal.

long given up hope that some people would understand. Some did. Most didn’t.

Everyone was looking. They all knew. Knew I was crazy. That I was insane. I’d hear the whispers. I’d be asked to leave.

People didn’t like what they couldn’t understand. It scared them. They couldn’t understand me.

Nutso. Weirdo. Street chick.

It had to be, I’d waited so long for him to notice me.

But it wasn’t about getting a boyfriend, it was about someone loving me, even just liking me, because so many of them didn’t like me. My mother. Chad. My father. My stepmother. Hunter had been super chill, and thinking about him made me destress, just a bit here.

Cut didn’t have that look. He was watching me. He was listening to me, but I hadn’t shocked him with that revelation. Yet.

Meds, therapy, but mostly having someone give a fuck was priceless.

Who would want me?

When someone is asking, when you’ve made yourself vulnerable to them, opened yourself up for judgment, and you then have to wait if they’ll ‘get it’ or if they’ll dismiss it because when they dismiss your truth, they dismiss you.

But he got it. Kinda. Or he was trying. That said everything.

Chad liked that I was usually laid-back off the ice. Until now, because I wasn’t anymore when it came to Cheyenne, and there were feelings involved. Those feelings came out of nowhere. And they were intense, and we were all playing catch up, including myself.

But back to my girl, because she was mine, even with the shit that went down here tonight. My Cheyenne. Was this fast? Yes. Hell yes. Was there stuff I needed to unravel? Fuck yes. Was I walking? Not a chance.

And again, I was not falling in love with him, or realizing I had always been, or—nope. That wasn’t me. That wasn’t this mental case.

Because he was good, and kind, and he was humble. And he didn’t take shit from my Not-Brother. And he fought for me. And he sat by the pool for thirty minutes being terrified, but still stayed.

I just wanted to be loved.

My mom. My dad. I survived them, but him—he would be different. I had needed the idea of him.

would it be fair to bring someone else in on the struggle you endure every day? If you did, was it fair to bring a child into the world who had a mother with the struggles I had? On the surface, she would seem to be just a mom who’s distracted or disorganized.

How could someone look so fierce, so proud, so stubborn, and so sad at the same time? How could someone reach inside you and yank out all these emotions that you didn’t know existed? She did that, and this wasn’t going away.

If he pushed me out, then I’d have to deal. I closed my eyes. I really enjoyed this feeling. It was warming to someone who’d only ever been cold. I hadn’t known anything other than the cold until the first time he touched me.

was starting to think that I’d never understand what she goes through.

There was a feeling in me, like I’d only get tonight, or like this night was different and I needed to take advantage of it as much as possible. Whatever it was, I couldn’t let go.

I

felt like I was in a trance, like where you inhale happiness and contentment, and it filled you up from the inside out. I was so calm that I was breathing out peace and tranquility. It was a trip, the whole thing, and I knew then that I was fucked. I just didn’t have it in me to care.

And I was starting to think in Cheyenne speak.

A stigma was put on me, and it was still there. I felt it.

“It’s narrow-minded bullshit.”

“I think I’m willing to give up the river for you.”

Love declaration

“If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, then… me too.”

really did love Cut at first sight. I’d just been too young to know what to do about it.

He was touching me. He was kissing me. Loving me. And it felt like, finally. Finally we were one. Finally we were whole. Finally I was with who I’d been waiting for all my life. Finally.