The Irreverent Grief Guide: How to F*cking Survive Months 1-3

by Elizabeth Kupferman

The first step in surviving your emotional upheaval is understanding that these are all normal grief reactions.

There is a subtle relief when you are able to recognize these various pains of grief as they happen and identify them.

you had low self-esteem, hate yourself, or were mean to yourself before the loss, the guilt monster is going to come for you, and it’s going to be vicious and relentless about it.

Bottom line: your inner saboteur is going to crucify you with guilt if you don’t keep it in check and challenge the guilty thoughts.

If you’re going to feel guilty about something like this, I challenge you to be honest with yourself about the limitations you had in your life at the time.

Hindsight bias is when you mistakenly believe that you could have foreseen the outcome of the event before the event had taken place.

But the thing is you’re not remembering correctly because now you have the facts, and you absolutely did not have the information at the time. Hindsight bias guilt and regret are fucking poison.

“The Four Questions” by Byron Katie.

You simply write down verbatim the negative or guilty thought you’re having, and ask yourself the first question: “is it true?” (yes or no). Then, you double check, by asking

yourself, “can I absolutely know that this thought is true?” (yes or no). Next, ask yourself the third question: “how do you react, what happens when you believe this thought?” and finally, ask yourself the fourth question: “who would you be without the thought?” (Katie, 2002, p. 19-20). Then you get to choose if you want to keep the thought or not. I find that there are very few thoughts that are absolutely true.

I want you act like a defense attorney trying to prove that the original thought is false.

A lifetime of guilt and self-hate is not an appropriate punishment for a human mistake. You can be forgiven.

anger associated with grief is directed toward at the person who died (they didn’t take care of themselves, they abandoned me by dying), God (how could you take such a good person when there are so many bad people), doctors (fucked up the care), family members (that sister got more than I did), and so on. If you do feel anger like that, it’s normal and expected.

Anger can wear disguises like irritability, argumentativeness, road rage, short temper, frustration,

powerlessness, ongoing negativity, complaining, blaming, and general grumpiness.

I consider anger during the first year, especially the first three months, as not real ang...

Don’t forget there’s not one minute that you’re not under the influence of grief.

Grieving your loss is the courageous and psychologically advanced choice.

Just by reading this, you are on the brave and heroic side, the strong side, the very healthy side. Understanding your grief is a way to process it.

I want you to know that being in the muck of grief in the first three months has value because it is leading you to post-traumatic growth. Post-traumatic growth is when “a positive change is experienced as a result of the struggle with a major life crisis or traumatic event”

wish this didn’t happen, but since it did happen, I want to let my grief and loss experience to provide purpose, goodness, depth, and meaning into my life.

What is healthy is to allow people to grieve exactly as they are grieving.

There is no certain way to grieve.

We can trust that the other grievers in our lives are grieving exactly as they need to.

would be even more proud because that would mean you are putting in the work when it’s incredibly difficult for you.

You are letting me know that I will not alone next time grief finds me.

You absolutely ARE doing your grief work unconsciously, consciously, and intentionally.

Adjusting can be so fucking hard on a psyche that in “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Psychological Disorders,” the book mental health professionals use to diagnose their clients, there is a whole disorder called Adjustment Disorder.

Adjustment Disorder relates to the impact of adjusting to some new and very hard shit that you

didn’t realize was going to be as hard as it is. Adjustment disorders include emotional and behavioral symptoms like marked distress and impairment in social...

You have been and will be adjusting externally, internally, and spiritually.

External adjustments are physical things you must now do in the real world because your person is no longer here with you.

Worden says that, “The survivor usually is not aware of all of the roles played by the deceased until sometime after the loss occurs,” which speaks to the evolving process that grief is.

which means it’s about love because all grief, including adjusting, all leads back to love.

Every adjustment you have to make may send you into a wave of grief that is unbearable, and by calling it a small or silly thing, you are diminishing yourself, dishonoring your relationship, and the authenticity of the grief you’re experiencing.

Internal adjustments have to do with the changes to your sense of self.

I think the death of someone who loved, respected, and cherished you can shake your self-confidence, self-worth, and even your self-talk.

Internal adjustments also have to do with the psychological roles your person played in your life.

Spiritual adjustments are the changes you must make in the way you relate to the world now that the death has occurred.

Being a member of The Club is having to come to terms with what you believe about life and God and the universe.

Experiencing a devastating loss can inform your faith in new and profound ways and probably is a hell of a lot deeper now.

If I’m going to believe in a God, it’s not gonna be one that is so insecure and has a problem with me rebelling.

You get to move forward WITH your person as you continue your journey.

For me, Task 4 is about how to stay close to your person who died while staying close and connected to the other people you love here on the planet. How do you live, but also live with your loss? What will that look like for you? What will that require of you?

When your person died, society expects you to cancel their membership.

Notice how you know, to your core, in your bones, on the deepest cellular level, that you will never do that. My Uncle Tom still has his VIP membership, and he always will. Because you see:

Death ends a life, not a relationship.

“subjunctive voice.”

Meaning making is what you do to make your world make sense after the death.

“requires us to reconstruct a world that again, ‘makes sense,’ that restores a semblance of meaning, direction, and interpretability to a life that is forever transformed.”