Well, this Sucks

by Carrie Gray

Didn’t this happen in Florida once? Was Granny sniffing bath salts?!

tongue. Holy motherfucker. It tasted like ass. Like swamp ass on a sweaty day.

“I solemnly swear to bring you the Tommy Two-Foot cock. I’ll even include the suction cup attachment so you can have fun in the shower.”

“Night sight? What is this, Dr. Seuss meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”

“No, what do you think this is? Twilight?” he chuckled.

“I’m not going to suck my friends! Especially because it feels better than the Tongue Twister 9000. Gross. I don’t want to see their “o” faces, Diego.”

I debated for a moment longer, but then I realized that this was probably my only chance ever to fuck like a poltergeist. I had to do this. In the name of science.

“I would do anything for you. I would rescue you a thousand times, kill for you or not kill for you, and I would even let you go if that’s what made you happy.”

“Don’t let your ego get in the way of the journey, darling. You can be a strong, independent woman and still fall in love.”

“I’m pretty open about my needs, Diego. I don’t like that whenever you’re in the room, my panties become Niagara Falls and I want to jump your bones.”

“Can I call him Edward Cullen from now on?” Ryan asked Drew in a low whisper. “I mean, look at him. He’s a sparkly vampire.” Drew elbowed him in the side.

The hot water felt good on my skin, and seeing the glitter washing down the drain felt even better. What kind of self-respecting vampire sparkled?

“Gallon sized lube,” she replied dryly. “Once you go through menopause, it’s like the Sahara Desert down there.”