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ON VACATION, YOU can be anyone you want. Like a good book or an incredible outfit, being on vacation transports you into another version of yourself.
“Contentment is a lie invented by capitalism,”
Apparently the completion of long-term goals often leads to depression.
sometimes when you guess about people, you end up very wrong.
most have found the Lord or started one of those weird pyramid-scheme businesses selling lip gloss.”
lmao my HS
Sometimes I think that’s why we’re so drawn to each other. Because he’s used to being the steadfast big brother and I’m used to being the annoying little sister. It’s a dynamic we understand: I lovingly tease him; he makes the entire world feel safer for me.
“I can just tell he doesn’t get it,” Alex said. “Get what?” I asked. “You,” he said. “He has no idea how lucky he is.”
“You make me weird. I’m not like this with anyone else.”
“I’ve never really felt alone since I met you. I don’t think I’ll ever feel truly alone in this world again as long as you’re in it.”
But this, this is the moment I first think it. I am in love with you. The thought is terrifying, probably not even true. A dangerous idea to entertain. I release my hold on it, watch it slip away. But there are points in the center of my palms that burn, scorched, proof I once held it there.
“You won’t lose me,” he says, voice dimmed by the rain. “As long as you want me, I’m here.”
“I always want you, Alex,” I whisper. “Always.”
Don’t encourage people to blame you for something beyond your control.
And that feels better. To think about her as a person.”
If I could speak, I’d tell him this is the best kiss I’ve had in my entire life. That I didn’t know just kissing could feel this good. That I could just make out with him for hours and it would be better than the best sex I’ve ever had.
“I think about you all the time,” he says, and kisses me slowly, drags his mouth down my neck, goose bumps fluttering out in his wake. “I think about this.”
“That would’ve happened if Nikolai had never been born. It just might not have happened on this balcony.”
LMAO
“I just think it’s, like, this incredible experiment,” I explain. “And you get to watch hours of the footage compiled in it. You learn so much about people.”
“I thought you didn’t like holding hands,” I say. “And you said you did,” he says. “So, what? I just get whatever I want now?” I tease. His smile flickers back into place, calm and restrained. “Yes, Poppy,” he says. “You get whatever you want now. Is that a problem?”
🧎🏽♀️
“I don’t know how to love someone as much as I love you,”
I’m broken, and, yeah, probably repressed, and I know I’m not who you’ve ever pictured yourself with. I know it doesn’t seem like we make any sense, and we probably don’t, and maybe I could never make you happy—”
“I’ve always felt like once someone sees me deep down, that’s it. There’s something ugly in there, or unlovable, and you’re the only person who’s ever made me feel like I’m okay.”
“There’s nothing scarier than the chance that, once you really have all of me, that changes. But I want all of you, so I’m trying to be brave.”
“Poppy,” he says, “there may come a day when I no longer need to be touching you at all times, but that day is not today.”
Maybe things can always get better between people who want to do a good job loving each other. Maybe that’s all it takes.
I feel insufficient as an adult. I look around at the office and see everyone typing, taking calls, making bookings, editing documents, and I know they’re all dealing with at least as much as I am, which only makes me feel worse about how hard everything feels to me.
mood
Living, being responsible for myself, seems like an insurmountable challenge lately.
You can’t outrun yourself. Not your history, not your fears, not the parts of yourself you’re worried are wrong.
“You’re not a vacation, and you’re not the answer to my career crisis, but when I’m in a crisis or I’m sick or I’m sad, you’re the only thing I want. And when I’m happy, you make me so much happier. I still have a lot to figure out, but the one thing I know is, wherever you are, that’s where I belong. I’ll never belong anywhere like I belong with you. No matter what I’m feeling, I want you next to me. You’re home to me, Alex. And I think I’m that for you too.”
“You already went through that. You lost someone you loved, and you kept getting out of bed. You were there for the people in your life, and you love them, and they love you back. You’ve got all of that in your life still. None of it went away. It didn’t end just because you lost one person.”
🤍
