Gators and Garters (Miss Fortune Mystery, #18)

by Jana Deleon

My head was pounding so I went into the kitchen to grab some water and aspirin but drew up short as I stepped in the doorway. I’d found what might be Gertie’s final resting place. Her dining table. She was in the center, arms stretched out like she was waiting to be sacrificed. Her shirt was pulled up, exposing her belly, and the skin around her navel was pink. Tricky Ricky was sitting in a chair, slumped onto the table, clutching an empty bottle of the red-hot brand of Sinful Ladies Cough Syrup. The reality of what had gone on after I’d crashed washed over me and made that aspirin run more important than ever.

“My eyes. Is that what I think it is?” “It looks to me like Gertie and Tricky Ricky were doing body shots.” “I don’t even know what that is and you’re not going to tell me. Thank God we passed out before then, although I’m beginning to wish I’d made it home. Unfortunately, I think we might have gotten arrested for even attempting to walk.”

I ran into Gertie’s room and drew up short when I saw one of the Sinful Ladies in bed with the blow-up doll. Neither of them had on enough clothes. I grabbed Gertie’s laptop off the nightstand and ran out, leaving Ida Belle standing in the doorway, staring at the sight on the bed with dismay.

I looked at Gertie. “Do you have more fireworks? And dynamite?” “Is the pope Catholic?” Gertie asked. “The pope wears a funny hat,” Francis said. “Nobody prays for Celia. They don’t want her in heaven.” I grabbed a grape off the table and tossed it to Francis before we headed upstairs.

“I’ll get my rifle,” Jeb said. “This might be the most exciting thing that’s happened since that buffalo fragging of 1964.” “When all this is over, you might have to tell me about that over a beer and one of those hot dogs,” Gertie said as she followed him to the door. He gave her a shy smile. “I’d love to.” “Lord help us all,” Ida Belle said. Wyatt shook his head as Jeb walked off. “He always gets the women with that sniper rifle thing. Nobody cares about helicopters.” “It’s not the rifle,” Ida Belle said. “It’s the fragging. Gertie has a thing for explosives.” “Really? She looks so sweet,” Wyatt said. “Don’t look in her purse,” I said.

“They’re not going to need weapons,” Ida Belle said. “I know, but they’re too excited for me to say no.” Ida Belle grinned. “Maybe you should work in senior services instead of this PI thing.” “I’d have everyone in jail inside of a week.” “Bet they’d all be happy about it.”

“How well do cell phones work on the bayou?” I asked. “Usually pretty good,” Jeb said. “But sometimes it can get sketchy.” “I have a CB in my SUV,” Ida Belle said. Wyatt perked up. “We have one in the boat.” “Put it on 1-9,” Ida Belle said. Jeb grinned. “I’ve always wanted to say ‘Breaker 1-9.’ My call name’s Bullseye.” “Mine’s Annie Oakley,” Ida Belle said. “I’m Vapor,” Wyatt said. “Vapor?” Ida Belle asked. “What he was usually running on before landing,” Jeb explained. “I’m Hurricane,” Gertie said. I laughed. “That’s appropriate.” They all looked at me. “What?” I asked. “My real name’s not Fortune. I got that in the CIA—soldiers of fortune…” “You said that was your nickname and you made it legal,” Ida Belle said. “But that doesn’t mean it was your call name.” “Out with it,” Gertie said. “Keyser Söze,” I said. Everyone was silent for a moment. “Don’t suppose you need that rifle after all,” Wyatt said to Jeb. “Looks like we got a younger pro on the job.” “Just when I thought you couldn’t get cooler,” Gertie said. Ida Belle grinned. “I like it.”

“Did you have anything to do with that arrest?” Wyatt asked. “I might have provided a deputy with some valuable information,” I said. “I bet he wasn’t happy about a PI getting the best of him,” Jeb said. “He’s rarely happy when it happens but it’s not an ego thing,” I said. “He’s sort of my boyfriend.” They both stared for a couple seconds, then Jeb started chuckling. Then Wyatt. By the time we turned into the marina, they both had tears running down their faces. “You are a pistol,” Wyatt said. “Probably going to be the death of that deputy,” Jeb said. “He was Force Recon,” I said. “He can handle me.” “Oh Lord,” Jeb said. “A spook and a Marine. It’s like something out of a movie.”

Once we got back to Sinful, I called Nickel and Angel and gave them the news. They were both overwhelmed with gratitude and both cried, although Nickel swore if I told anyone, he’d figure out a way to kill me.

“The bride and groom have elected to skip the traditional vows because let’s face it, Ida Belle was never going to stick to that plan. They’ve written their own promises to each other that more befit this later-in-life joining.” Walter and Ida Belle turned to face each other and he took her hands in his. “Ida Belle, I promise to refrain from offering an opinion on the choices you make, knowing good and well it won’t make a difference.” Ida Belle grinned. “Walter, I promise to share my freezer space, except in deer hunting season.”

But as he opened his mouth to speak, one last guest arrived. Godzilla. The gator rushed out of the bayou and onto land, creating a small wake. The smell of awesome food had him lifting his snout and then he proceeded directly toward us. Guns came out of holsters, pockets, purses, and bras. I had a moment of probable impropriety when I removed mine from my thigh holster, but the move got an appreciative wink from Carter and a whistle from someone in the crowd. “Don’t shoot!” Gertie yelled. “It’s Godzilla. He just wants something to eat.” Ronald jumped up and dug something wrapped in a dishrag out of his enormous handbag. “I brought a small casserole, just in case.” Of course he did.