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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Jessica Fern
Read between
February 8 - February 16, 2023
securely attached people experience relational object constancy, which is the ability to trust in and maintain an emotional bond with people even during physical or emotional separation.
Hyperfocus on the other can lead to a disconnection or loss of self through over-functioning and over-adapting in the relationship in an attempt to maintain and preserve the connection.
Parental Interactions Childhood Attachment Style Adult Attachment Style Protective Emotionally available Responsive Attuned Secure Secure 50–60% Unavailable Unresponsive Imperceptive or mis-attuned Rejecting Insecure: Avoidant Dismissive 20–30% Inconsistently responsive, available or attuned Intrusive Acting out of their needs for attention or affection over the child’s needs Insecure: Anxious Preoccupied 15–20% Frightening Threatening Frightened Disorienting Alarming Insecure: Disorganized Fearful-Avoidant 20–40%
With practice, we learn that autonomy and connection aren’t an either/or experience but a both/and experience. We can be both different and connected.
Healthy Boundaries Being connected and protected. We can connect with others, while also maintaining our sense of self. We can take in love from others. We share our feelings, opinions and perspectives, while respecting and allowing others to be distinct and separate from us. We can give to others.
when our boundaries are porous on the input, we are absorbing, and when they are too porous on the output we are intruding.
Unresolved trauma from previous generations can alter the expression of DNA, making subsequent generations more susceptible to certain health issues, increased anxiety, PTSD and wariness to danger.
People practicing CNM value transparency, consent, open and honest communication, personal responsibility, autonomy, compassion, sex positivity and freedom for themselves and others.
people practicing CNM typically embrace the following ideas and principles: love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through.
people engaged in CNM felt that a major advantage of being nonmonogamous was the ability to have their different needs met by more than one person, as well as being able to experience a variety of nonsexual activities that one relationship may not fulfill. The other notable relationship benefit unique to people in CNM relationships was personal growth—people reported feeling that being nonmonogamous afforded them increased freedom from restriction, self and sexual expression and the ability to grow and develop.
people consistently offer three other reasons for being nonmonogamous: sexual diversity, philosophical views and because CNM is a more authentic expression of who they are.
FIGURE 4.1: The different types of nonmonogamy.
One principle of solo poly that I think everyone can benefit from is the notion of being your own primary partner and prioritizing your relationship with yourself first and foremost.
If someone is pursuing multiple partners to avoid intimacy or using sex in an attempt to secure intimacy when they feel insecure, then in those cases such behaviors can be seen as an expression of insecure attachment. But many people engage in these very same behaviors from a secure place, where they are able to have multiple sex partners, one-night stands or BDSM play in intentional, highly attuned, connected and meaningful ways.
Similar to how a child can be securely attached to one parent, while simultaneously insecurely attached to another parent, polyamorous adults can have different attachment styles with different romantic partners that are independent of each other.
Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner.
People can commit to being married for life, but still feel universes away from the person they share a bed with. Two people can consider each other primary partners but still experience relational neglect even though they might technically be able to wield veto power over other partners or have first choice on how holidays are spent. Relationship structure does not guarantee emotional security.
Going CNM can expose your individual attachment insecurity.
When people have depended on their partner’s exclusivity for their own self-confidence, going nonmonogamous can pop the cork on all of their personal insecurities, making it painfully difficult to manage the fears and threats that surface in relation to what it means for them or their partner to be dating again.
Going CNM can expose attachment insecurity in the relationship that is opening up.
Personally, I find security in the fact that when I’m in CNM relationships I know that my partners are not with me because they are obliged to be, but because they continue to choose to be.
To create sustainable healthy relationships with multiple partners, it’s crucial to learn how to build polysecurity in your CNM relationships and even more so to cultivate secure attachment and equanimity within yourself.
it takes babies up to seven months for their attachment to their caregivers to become securely established, and for adults, a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to really solidify.
Secure connections are with people or partners who we don’t have daily or regular contact with, but with whom we know that when we reach out it will feel as if a moment hasn’t passed. We are secure in the bond that we have with such people, and this bond might be immensely meaningful, special and important to us, but it’s not necessarily a relationship that requires us to invest regular maintenance and attention.
Securely attached relationships are based on consistency and reliability. These are the people who are there for each other in responsive and attuned ways more times than not. They are our “go-to” people who have our back and to whom we can turn when we feel hurt or threatened and or need support, comfort or reassurance. They’re the people we are excited to share our latest news or discoveries with.
CNM can activate the attachment system into primal panic.
It is commonly and playfully known in the nonmonogamous world that you shouldn’t enter CNM unless you are ready to process, communicate, grow and then process, communicate and grow some more. This is because having multiple partners will expose all of your relationship baggage, your blind spots, shadows and shortcomings, and all the potential ways you’ve been asleep to social issues.
However you come to be with the partners that you already feel attached to or want to cultivate being more polysecure with, what is important is that at some point you are all clear that being attachment-based partners is what you want for the relationship.
Since we are talking about attachment-based polyamorous relationships, we are talking about relationships in which you are committed to showing up for each other regularly, prioritizing each other (from choice, not obligation), actively cherishing each other, doing the work required to build a relationship and possibly even building a life together (though having a life commitment is not a prerequisite for secure attachment).
people practicing nonmonogamy can demonstrate commitment to their partners: Sharing intimate details (hopes, dreams, fears) and being vulnerable with each other. Introducing partners to people who are important to you. Helping your partners with moving, packing, homework, job hunting, shopping, etc. Having regular time together, both mundane and novel. Making the person a priority. (I suggest defining what “being a priority” means to each of you.) Planning trips together. Being available to partners when they are sick or in need. Collaborating on projects together. Having frequent
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In search of relationship safety, our attachment system is primed to seek the answers to certain questions regarding our partners. Both consciously and unconsciously we are looking to know: If I turn towards you, will you be there for me? Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me? Will you comfort me? Will you respond in a way that calms my nervous system? Do I matter to you? Do I make a difference in your life? Can we lean into and rely on each other?
Examples of things that you and your partners can do to be safe havens for each other are: Give emotional support and comfort. Listen to each other with full attention. Inquire and share about feelings and needs. Track what is going on in each other’s lives and make sure to follow up and inquire about those things. Help in practical ways when a partner is tired or sick. Discuss or debrief events of the day or things that are important to each of you. Let your partners know how and why they matter to you.
In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am.
Examples of things that you and your partners can do to be secure bases for each other: Encourage each other’s personal growth and development. Support each other’s work and/or interests. Listen to each other’s hopes, dreams and visions. Listen when your partners share about their experiences in other relationships (assuming that the information shared is appropriate and consensual). Have conversations about things that are intellectually or emotionally stimulating to each other. Acknowledge each other’s capabilities and possibilities for growth. Compassionately bring light to your partner’s
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When attachment ruptures and traumas occur, we can lose access to the parts of ourselves that are able to be a safe haven through self-soothing, self-nurturance, self-compassion and self-acceptance, and to the parts of us that are able to be a secure base through self-encouragement, healthy standards, appropriate boundaries and alignment with our values.
HHere (being here and present with me) EExpressed Delight AAttunement RRituals and Routines TTurning Towards after Conflict SSecure Attachment with Self
Diane Poole Heller and her colleagues use the term beam gleam (also known as the attachment gaze) to refer to the nonverbal expression of warmth, kindness and love that radiates from our eyes, letting our partners know that they are special to us.
There is nothing wrong with needing to hear why you are wanted and valued by your partners and it is important for you to be able to communicate to your partners why they specifically matter to you.
Allocating certain things to relationships can be workable, but definitely tread carefully and transparently, because these waters can become dangerous and hierarchical very quickly.
The Gottman Institute has conducted decades of research on couples and found that the main difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t have arguments or make mistakes, but that they are better and faster at doing the repair work when breaches have occurred.
The HEART of secure functioning is not just for your relationships with partners, but can be directly applied to your relationship with yourself.
TABLE 9.1: Types of regulation, adapted from Stan Tatkin’s “The Four Regulation (Self-Care) Strategies” from We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love.
identifying the inner critic’s larger intention, not believing what it says and translating its voice over and over again eventually pays off and is well worth the effort.
our brains can’t distinguish between a physical threat to our life and an emotional or mental threat to our ego, identity or worldview. So, when we think we’ve made a mistake, when someone challenges our worldview or when we presume that someone is going to judge or reject us, we can get triggered into a fight/flight/freeze/appease response.
When your inner critic arises, try engaging in dialogue with it instead of just believing it. Ask what it wants for you and if it is trying to protect you in any way. You can do this verbally, internally or in writing. Keep engaging with it until you get to a positive intention that it is holding for you. Once you have this positive intention, you can then experiment with translating the inner critic any time it arises again.
