Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Compared to people with a more secure attachment style, people with the preoccupied style report increased jealousy and relationship conflict,24 as well as feelings of ambivalence about their sex life, since they are less likely to use consistent contraception and more likely to engage in sex they don’t fully want.25

People with this attachment style might be very precise in detecting even the slightest change in their partner’s mood or state, but they’re more likely to assume that the shifts are personal to them and that they are negative, when neither may be true.

When I am going through something, I tend to reach out and turn towards others to make sense of what I’m experiencing or to make myself feel better.

I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved or desired by a partner; however, when my partners give me reassurance or show their desire for me, it either doesn’t register for me or I have trouble receiving and believing it.

I get frustrated or hurt if a partner is not available when I need them. I get resentful or take it personally when a...

I tend to hold on to resentments and have trouble letting go of old wounds.

In the category of internal fearful-avoidant, we find people who, when under stress or threat, are triggered into higher anxiety and have the internal disorganized experience of wanting connection and wanting to move closer to someone, yet simultaneously

feeling an inner pull back, believing the connection to be unsafe. However, such people do not act this dynamic out in ways that are destructive to themselves or others. The experience is more internally disruptive than externally damaging.

When in conflict, I can vacillate from being overwhelmed or aggressive to being dismissive and numb.

I have elaborate negative fantasies about what will go wrong or how my partner will inevitably hurt me beyond repair, even if things are mostly going well.

There are times when I look fine on the outside, but I am actually a complete tsunami on the inside.

I would say that we must be able to “straddle” both of these needs simultaneously. With practice, we learn that autonomy and connection aren’t an either/or experience but a both/and experience. We can be both different and connected. With practice we can also learn how to ebb and flow between the two states with more skill and grace, using both reins simultaneously to embrace both our independence and our dependency, our autonomy and our connection.

Giving love can be just as vulnerable as receiving it because when we give, we are taking the risk of revealing our hearts. We’re declaring our desire to be close to someone and we are potentially exposing our limitations in the process.

When our boundaries are rigid from the inside out we restrain ourselves from expressing what is true for us internally. We restrain our feelings (positive or negative), thoughts, preferences, requests and even the affection we have for others. Restraining is usually the result of feeling unsafe in expressing ourselves, so we instead hold back and hold in to try to stay protected at the expense of being connected. In either version of rigid boundaries, we are holding tight to our emotional armor, restricting the flow of love and expression coming in or out.

Trauma occurs on a continuum of stress, and the difference between a traumatic experience versus a bad or stressful experience is the impact on our body’s ability to recover.

Once the event is over, our bodies are supposed to return to a state of parasympathetic nervous system balance, where we can function as usual in a calm and clear-minded way. But bigger traumatic events can activate our natural stress response to such a degree that our nervous system is overwhelmed and dysregulated to the point that this chemical cocktail is unable to be processed and we are left unable to fully recover.

assault, we can get little blasts throughout the day from experiences like demanding work environments, relationship tension, health issues, life transitions, traffic jams, parenting, etc. Our bodies need time to metabolize the chemical cocktail released from stress and when we are in a chronic state of stress—whether big or small, physical, emotional, psychological, environmental or existential—we can get pushed over the edge into a state of sympathetic nervous system dominance. This means that the survival response that was meant to be temporary has now become constant. The threat that we experience does not even need to be real, but the repeated perception of a threat, day after day, can push our nervous system into a traumatized state.

with many people endorsing a proclaimed monogamy, while actually performing clandestine nonmonogamy.

I’ve seen the dangers of people depending on the structure of their relationship to feel safe together. When they change that structure, either through opening up from monogamy or transitioning to a less hierarchical form of CNM, it can expose relational insecurities that were disguised by the pseudo or contrived security acquired from the previous relationship structure.

Jealousy becomes an opportunity for increased clarity and connection and it doesn’t take them or their relationships down.

It is not uncommon for me to hear people say that they theoretically want to be poly, but emotionally they don’t know if they can do it because they feel like they are losing their mind.

telling people who are struggling with the transition from monogamy to CNM to go back to monogamy because CNM is just too difficult would be like telling the new parents of an infant who are struggling without sleep or personal time that maybe they should just send the kid back since they didn’t have any of these issues before the child arrived.

Once the security blanket of monogamy is lifted, these people are flooded with the pains of their insecure attachment past, as well as awareness of the ways they were actually relying on, even clinging to, monogamy to feel secure within themselves and in their relationship.

You intellectually want to be nonmonogamous, but you’re having trouble with emotionally getting on board.

Even though your partner has been wonderful about meeting enough of your relationship needs and is doing a good job reassuring you that you matter to them, you still experience a roller-coaster of anxiety before and/or during the time they spend with other people, or you start to withdraw to protect yourself.

You intellectually want to feel compersion for your partner having positive experiences with others, but you keep interpreting them being wi...

CNM is inherently insecure.

Personally, I find security in the fact that when I’m in CNM relationships I know that my partners are not with me because they are obliged to be, but because they continue to choose to be.

This form of relationship can bring up levels of uncertainty that many people are not yet equipped for, especially when they don’t have enough internal secure attachment.

There is a difference between being in a secure connection with someone and having a securely attached relationship.

The insecurities arising for the partner who feels left out, left behind or no longer as important are not necessarily manifestations of jealousy. Rather, the situation and the relationship they find themselves in are no longer providing them with the same degree of attachment-based needs fulfillment that they have become accustomed to, triggering a more hyperactivated anxious preoccupied style. In such cases, sometimes just the awareness of what is going on can be enough for the partner who has been less attentive to re-engage. Other times, strategies for being less polysaturated and more present with each partner need to be implemented, or sometimes renegotiations about the level of involvement or commitment of the relationship are needed.

when relationship agreements or safe sex practices are being repeatedly broken, a person’s safety and security alarms bells can go off in ways that become highly dysregulating and damaging.

into the paradoxical disorganized dilemma of wanting comfort and safety from the very same person who is triggering their threat response. Again, the partner may be doing exactly what the couple consented to and acting within their negotiated agreements, but for the pre-existing partner, their primary attachment figure being away, unavailable and potentially sharing levels of intimacy with another person registers as a debilitating threat in the nervous system. As someone in this situation simultaneously wants to move towards and away from one’s partner, the very foundation of their relationship and attachment system can begin to shudder,

When primal attachment panic gets mislabeled as jealousy, the partner experiencing it can be left thinking that there is something wrong with them, that this is their issue to figure out on their own and that they should be better at doing CNM.

Do I matter to you? Do I make a difference in your life?

In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am.

While having multiple partners to turn to for a secure base or safe haven is a definite benefit of nonmonogamy, we can’t forget how powerful and important it is to also rely on our self in these ways.

Even when people don’t want to be, the hangover of monogamous thinking often leaves people feeling competitive with their metamours and/or doubtful as to why their partners would want to be with them if they don’t have the specific qualities, circumstances, sexual interests or physical attributes that other partners have. Even when people have a healthy sense of self and esteem, they still need positive feedback as to why their partners cherish them and choose to be with them, especially when, theoretically, they can choose to be with many others. There is nothing wrong with needing to hear why you are wanted and valued by your partners and it is important for you to be able to communicate to your partners why they specifically matter to you. Experiencing expressed delight and knowing the ways you are precious in your partners’ lives can be an important resource to lean on when feeling jealous or threatened by a metamour or potential new partners. Instead of spinning out into doubt and fear, being able to recall the ways your partners experience you as special, even irreplaceable, can soothe the anxious mind and allow for more compersion to arise.

Ask questions from genuine curiosity and the desire to truly understand, rather than from preconceived notions about what your partner has already done or what you think they should do.

When listening to your partner talk about another partner (or something else that has the potential to trigger you) put your friend hat on instead of your partner hat. Any concerns or questions that you may have can still be brought up eventually, but do your best to initially separate what they are sharing and what it means to them from how it impacts you.

Additionally, how partners say goodbye before one of them goes on a date with someone else or how they reunite after having been with other partners can make a big difference in feeling safe and sound with each other.

What do you and your partners each need to reconnect with each other after being apart?

Are there ways of checking in or saying goodbye before going on a date with another person that would create more safety and security? How do you want to connect or be approached afterwards?

When it comes to birthdays, communicate ahead of time about what your hopes and desires are for your birthday and be careful about expecting your partner to be with you on their birthday just because that’s what you would prefer. Give your partners the autonomy to spend their birthday however and with whomever they would like. It’s not your day to claim.

I’ve also seen the powerful healing effect that can happen when people are allowed to ask for something they want to stay within a certain relationship.

even when partners are actively involved with you it is unrealistic to expect them to be there for you every time you are in need. When we are relating from attachment insecurity we can easily (and often unconsciously) put too much onto our partners. We can make our partners into the source of our hope, love, strength, ability to feel or regulate our own emotions, as well as the source of our meaning and purpose in life. Our partners can be the inspiration for these things, as well as the objects or focus of our love, but they should not be the source of it. You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner that you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included).

At the self level, one way to develop earned secure attachment is through making sense of your story.

By telling the stories that have been previously unspoken, we allow ourselves to feel what has been unfelt and bring love to what has seemed unlovable. When we are able to describe our painful past experiences and craft them into a narrative that makes sense to us, healing occurs and our brains can literally be rewired for more secure functioning.

research has also shown that the main predictor of a child’s attachment style is not whether or not their parents had an insecure or secure attachment style, but whether or not their parents were able to make sense of their own attachment history.

As we give voice to our past, accept and allow our pain and even appreciate the ways we were shaped from this, we are better able to take responsibility for the ways that we still need to grow and show up differently for ourselves and in our relationships.